Messages of a Friendship
by Orrymain
Summary: As Jack fights for his life, and Daniel struggles to save him, Sam makes a decision that will change their lives forever.


Messages of a Friendship  
  
Author: Orrymain  
  
Author Email: marciastudley@comcast.net (Feedback welcome)   
  
Author Website: http://orrymain.raikiri.net/fanfichome.html   
  
Category: Slash, Drama, Angst, Missing Scene/Epilogue, Established Relationship  
  
Pairing: Jack/Daniel .... and it's all J/D   
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Season: 2  
  
Spoilers: Broca Divide, Prisoners, Need, Message in a Bottle  
  
Size: 129kb  
  
Written: November 26,30, December 7,9-11, 17-18,22, 2003, January 3, 2004  
  
Disclaimer: Usual disclaimers -- not mine, wish they were, especially Daniel, and Jack, too, but they aren't. This was a whim; all in fun. I don't have anything to do with them legally!  
  
Summary: As Jack fights for his life, and Daniel struggles to save him, Sam makes a decision that will change their lives forever.  
  
Notes:   
  
1) Jack and Daniel are noted for having what I call double conversations or almost telepathic nonverbal discussions. These double conversations or telepathic talks are noted with the use of asterisks like this: **Unspoken Words Spoken to Each Other**   
  
2) Thanks to my betas who always make my fics better: Tina, Suzanna, Sheryl, Charlotte!  
  
  
  
Messages of a Friendship  
  
by Orrymain  
  
"It's so exciting, Jack. Imagine, leaving behind a record, a history of your world and having someone finally discover it."  
  
"You don't know that's what it is."  
  
"I know, but I can dream, can't I?"  
  
"Yeah, you can. I'm glad you're having fun with your toys."  
  
"Jack!"  
  
Jack laughed, "You and Sam enjoy your playground. I'll see you later."  
  
Jack turned to exit the Locker Room, but Daniel, knowing no one else was around, suddenly grabbed his lover and gently shoved him against the door, his mouth demanding access to Jack's. Having granted entry to Daniel's tongue, Jack enjoyed the unexpected ravishing, which was wet and powerful.  
  
"Wow, we need to get you toys to play with more often."  
  
"Jack?"  
  
"Love you, my little archaeologist."  
  
"Love you, too," Daniel kissed him again.  
  
"Go play with Sam. I'll dream about you ... but don't stay up all night."  
  
"I won't."  
  
Another quick kiss, and Jack left the area, whistling as he checked out of the SGC. He wasn't thrilled about going home alone, but he loved seeing Daniel when he was truly excited about a find, and Daniel was definitely intrigued by the object SG-1 had found on P5C-353, a lunar-like planet that required them to wear space suits in order to survey the landscape.  
  
While they had been there, they had located an orb emitting an energy source. Daniel had thought it might be a record of the long-gone inhabitants of the world, a sort of "time capsule."  
  
"Imagine your civilization is facing a major cataclysm. The end is coming; you know it. Wouldn't you leave something behind? Something that told everyone that came after you who you were?" Daniel had asked with excitement in his voice.  
  
The orb had markings all over it and had emitted small amounts of radiation.  
  
Sam had been eager to study the power source, anticipating what it could mean for Earth. So, after listening to both of his scientists, Jack ordered them to bring the object back to the SGC for further observation.  
  
After an initial examination, Sam and Daniel had convinced Hammond to delay SG-1's next mission for one day so that they could do more studies. It had been after this that Jack and Daniel had talked in the Locker Room.  
  
====  
  
"You look happy, Sir," Sam said, watching her CO practically skipping down the hallway.  
  
"Hmm ... well, yes and no. Make sure you get some sleep, Captain, and when you ignore that order and you and Daniel stay up all night, please make sure he eats."  
  
Sam chuckled, "I'll try, Sir, but you know how he gets."  
  
"Feed him, Captain. I'm counting on you!"  
  
"I'll do that. I'll ... go grab some food before we start."  
  
"Thank you. Have fun," Jack said as he walked towards the exit.  
  
Sam smiled and changed her direction to go to the Commissary to retrieve some dry food stuffs for later. She knew her CO was right. Daniel would become so involved in the object that he'd forego all nourishment except for cup after cup of coffee.  
  
"You do take care of him, Sir, don't you?" Sam asked internally as she walked.  
  
====  
  
Sam and Daniel worked through the night, trying to unearth the mystery of the orb. A few hours in, Sam pulled out her stash from a cooler bag -- a sandwich, an apple and some chips. She set it in front of Daniel and smiled.  
  
"Oh, thanks, Sam, but you didn't have to. I'm really not hungry."  
  
"Daniel, eat."  
  
"Geez, you sound like Jack."  
  
Sam snickered as she walked away.  
  
"Oh, please tell me he didn't. Sam!"   
  
Daniel sank low in his chair, knowing Jack had badgered Sam into treating Daniel like a child. It was bad enough when Jack hovered over the younger man, but to bring Sam into in was going to far.  
  
"You know the Colonel."  
  
"Yeah ... Mother Hen!"  
  
Sam laughed, "Well, you know, he ...," Sam stuttered and Daniel saw something he couldn't define in her eyes, "... he feels responsible for you. Eat, so I can keep my rank," she teased as she began to eat her own midnight snack.  
  
Daniel took a bite, and when Sam wasn't looking, he couldn't hold back a smile. For all the frustrations he felt about Jack's "ridiculous" protectiveness, Daniel inwardly admitted he liked it. Until Jack, no one had ever cared enough about him to go to such lengths to make sure he took care of himself.  
  
He laughed softly in between bites of his food, trying to picture the hard-nosed Colonel approaching his 2IC or the big Jaffa, which Daniel knew he had done in the past, and ordering them to make sure Daniel ate and slept.  
  
"It couldn't be easy for him," Daniel thought silently.  
  
Another smile appeared on the young man's face, "Gawd, I love you, Jack," Daniel thought as his smile grew.  
  
"Daniel? What are you thinking about?"  
  
Daniel took a quick bite of food, to give himself a moment to think of an appropriate answer, "Orders."  
  
Daniel smiled again and went back to his food.  
  
====  
  
"Good morning campers! Sleep well? I did!"  
  
Jack walked into the lab, bright and chipper, causing Sam and Daniel to wince. They honestly hadn't realized it was morning, and neither was happy with Jack's orders for them to get some rest.  
  
**Don't argue with me, Love** Jack silently said, seeing Daniel's glare and hearing his verbal request to try and get more time from Hammond.  
  
**But Jack ...** Daniel's mind pleaded.  
  
**No, Danny. I need you, and you need your rest,** Jack smiled, and said verbally, "When we get back, you can ... visit."  
  
Resigned to their fate, Sam and Daniel got up to leave the lab, but just then Graham Simmons who was assisting them reported an EM spike from the orb. With the radiation growing, Jack ordered Daniel to go to the Control Room and have the planet dialed.  
  
Meanwhile, Jack and Teal'c attempted to remove the object, intending to throw it through the Stargate back to its home world.  
  
After the Stargate engaged, as they were about to follow through on returning the orb, the object suddenly spiked, spears growing out of it. One of them went into Jack, forcing him up against the wall of the Gate Room. He was held in place several feet off the ground.  
  
Daniel stood in the Control Room, totally stunned. He was almost motionless, his mouth open and eyes wide in astonishment.  
  
**Jack?** he spoke silently, his heart frantically beating, his anxiety level reaching a maximum.  
  
**JACK!**  
  
Jack couldn't hear the silent call, his connection with Daniel severed by the spear of the orb. Daniel felt lost and alone, and he couldn't recall feeling so afraid in a long while, not even during his withdrawal from the sarcophagus. He loved Jack so much, and his lover was dying in front of his eyes. What was worse, he couldn't react, couldn't respond the way he wanted to.  
  
"Gawd, I want to hold you, Jack," Daniel cried silently.  
  
Not long after, Sam and Daniel met with Hammond. Daniel's remorse surfaced, "General, I don't know what to say. I wanted the artifact to be something wonderful."  
  
Daniel was so sad, his face blank, his tone dry. This was his fault. His love was suffering, feeling an unknown pain all because he had to bring back some artifact. Daniel's anguish grew. He was almost numb from his guilt.  
  
"You have nothing to apologize for son," the General reassured, but Daniel wasn't the least bit consoled or convinced.  
  
====  
  
Daniel had gone back to the Control Room as Sam worked with Janet. He stood, arms folded, watching his lover. He wanted desperately to go to Jack, but he didn't trust himself. Plus, Janet had insisted that they allow only essential personnel in the room because of the danger. Hammond had agreed.  
  
Later as Sam headed to her office to retrieve some notes, she heard two airmen talking. Their words disturbed her.  
  
"Man, did you see him?"  
  
"He's practically drooling over O'Neill."  
  
"They are definitely doing it."  
  
"You think they'd try and hide it better. What do you think the Colonel sees in that dweeb anyway?"  
  
"Hey, they say he's saved the world."  
  
"Yeah, sure he did. C'mon Frank, the guy's a bookworm. Pretty, too. That must be what O'Neill sees."  
  
"Personally, I don't care, but I don't think it's right. I'm not sure I want to trust my life to a couple of ..."  
  
Sam picked that moment to make herself known, "Shouldn't you two be doing something somewhere else NOW?"  
  
"Yes, Ma'am," they snapped to attention.  
  
"Then DO it," Sam ordered, using her best Jack O'Neill impersonation.  
  
Sam entered her office. That hadn't been the first conversation she had overheard since the orb had taken Jack hostage. Daniel had been doing his best to cover his emotions, but his love for Jack could only be hidden so much.  
  
There had been gossip about Jack and Daniel from the very beginning of SG-1. Their good-natured bickering and banter, Jack's protectiveness and touches, Daniel's unending trust ... all resulted in heaps and heaps of gossip, but it had never reached this level before.  
  
Sam felt like she had to do something before it got out of hand. She had an idea, but she couldn't proceed without Daniel's permission. She hoped she had the courage to pull it off. She was uncomfortable with it, but it was the only way to protect her two friends.  
  
Grabbing her notes, Sam joined up with Janet, and later, returned to the Control Room. She saw more airmen engaged in intense conversations and thought maybe she had over-reacted. Perhaps things hadn't progressed as much as she had thought, but then she heard it.  
  
"Jackson's had it so easy. If O'Neill dies, his goose will be cooked."  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
"Don't you know? The Colonel is doing Jackson. They've been at it for at least a year. It's a disgrace. Maybe finally we can get some real men in here."  
  
"If that's true, how come no one has outed them?"  
  
"O'Neill. You know ... his reputation. Everyone's afraid to cross him, but I'm not, and I'm tired of him making a mockery out of the Air Force."  
  
Sam knew she had been right after all. She checked on her CO and went in search of Daniel, finding him in his office.  
  
The young man was standing over his desk, staring blankly at a book, his arms folded. Sam could see he was lost in thought. She could also see the dried tears. If she could see them, she knew others could, too.  
  
"Daniel," Sam called out gently, closing and locking the door behind her.  
  
Daniel noticed her actions, but didn't think much of it. He was used to Jack doing that, and then, for a moment, he thought Sam was going to tell him that Jack was dead. His face suddenly grew even more pained, "Sam? Jack?"  
  
"He's the same, Daniel."  
  
"Oh," Daniel stared back down at the mess on his desk.  
  
"Um, Daniel, I need to ask you something."  
  
Daniel looked up.  
  
"Actually, I need to your permission to ... well, to do something I wouldn't normally do."  
  
Daniel shook his head in question, having no clue what his friend was thinking about.  
  
Sam nervously walked around the room, her hands and arms flinging out occasionally as she tried to speak with her friend.  
  
"Um, Daniel, you see ... you're my friend, and the Colonel, well ... um, he's my friend, too, and as your friend, I feel it's my duty to ... be your friend. I mean, you're my family, too, and I ... I want to do what's right ... to protect you ... because you're my family, and that's what families do ... right?"  
  
"Sam, I don't have any idea what you're talking about."  
  
"I know," she sighed, "Oh, Daniel," she turned to face him, both certain and uncertain that she was doing the right thing.  
  
"Sam? Something's wrong with Jack, isn't it?"  
  
"No, I mean ... you know as much as I do. Oh, for crying out loud," the blonde mimicked her CO, causing Daniel to release a tiny smile.  
  
"Daniel, I ... I know how close you and the Colonel are."  
  
"Best friends," Daniel said quietly.  
  
"And ... more," Sam said hesitantly.  
  
Daniel looked up, seeing Sam's nervousness, her fidgeting increasing.  
  
"Look, um, I've known since Hadante, Daniel. He ... remember when he took off your glasses? Daniel, you don't let anyone that close to you. No one could do what the Colonel did, say what he said to you, and you ... well, you just stood there like it was the most natural thing in the world."  
  
Daniel's breathing was becoming more rapid. His hold on himself tightened. His eyes evaded Sam's. He moved to a bookshelf, staring at artifacts that he couldn't even focus on.  
  
"Then, after what happened with Shyla. He was so protective. We all wanted to help you through the withdrawal, but the Colonel, he kept us all away, against Janet's advice. He wouldn't let anyone get close to you."  
  
"I ... I didn't want anyone to see me," Daniel responded meekly.  
  
"I know, but I also know it was more. I saw you two in the Storage Room, how he held you. Daniel, I'm not ... I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable; that's not why I'm bringing it up now."  
  
"Then why are you?" Daniel asked, still avoiding Sam's gaze.  
  
"Because ... people are talking."  
  
Daniel turned and finally faced his friend, who tried to smile.  
  
"It's getting a little out of control, Daniel. There's always been gossip, not just about you two, but all of us. It's human nature, but Daniel, you're ... it's just getting out of hand."  
  
Daniel looked down. He knew his worry was obvious. He had tried to hide it, but he loved his partner so much, he just couldn't suppress it as much as would be necessary.  
  
"What did you want to ask me?"  
  
"I would never do anything to hurt you. You know that. Daniel, I was thinking maybe I could take some of the focus off of you. Don't Ask, Don't Tell is ... volatile. It would be less risky if the gossip was about ...," Sam hated this, but she knew she had to protect Jack and Daniel, "... fraternization."  
  
Daniel looked up at her, "What?"  
  
Sam walked up to him and put her hand on Daniel's arm, "If they think there's something between me and the Colonel, they might ignore what they think is going on between you and the Colonel." Sam paused. She knew Daniel was unsure and apparently unprepared for her admission. "Let me help you," she pleaded, "Please, Daniel."  
  
"What ... do you want to do?"  
  
"Play it up a little. I don't know. I'm not really good at ... flirting, and I'm not sure how to do it with my CO, but we need to get the gossip mongers looking at me and away from you. Would that be okay?"  
  
Daniel stared at Sam.  
  
"I won't do it if you don't want me to. I would never ever do anything like this without you saying it's okay."  
  
"I don't know, Sam. It's hard enough to keep up the pretense as it is. Gawd, it's a nightmare, having to pretend that there's nothing but ... but hockey and pizza between us, especially when all I want to do is be with him every minute of the day. There's enough lies as it is. I don't know if I could cope with another one, and I'm not sure it would be fair to you either. You're military, Sam."  
  
"Daniel, think of the Colonel and his career. If you're outed, you'll probably get to keep your job. I'm not saying it would be easy, but you wouldn't have to face what he would. Do you know what would happen to him?"  
  
Daniel visibly bristled, "Of course, I know. What do you think I am ... clueless? I know better than anybody what the stakes are. Do you think I want to see Jack in Leavenworth?"  
  
Daniel had become agitated, and that hadn't been Sam's intent. She approached her friend, "Daniel, please listen to me. I love you both. You know that. I just want to help take some of the pressure off for a bit, make it easier on you. The law stinks, I know that, but it's there, and we can't change it no matter how much we want to, at least not yet. Please let me help you."  
  
Daniel took a deep breath and finally nodded.  
  
"Okay then," Sam spoke, relieved to end the conversation and move on, "We need to get our staffs organized. We'll figure out the solution. Colonel O'Neill will be fine."  
  
"Will he?"  
  
Sam smiled, "Yes, we're SG-1. He's going to be fine. Janet will patch him up and then you ... you can take him home."  
  
Sam felt very uncomfortable. She didn't understand Jack and Daniel's relationship. She wasn't sure she even approved, but she couldn't deny that they were her family, and her loyalty to them was without question. Daniel needed her to be strong and focused, so she would be.  
  
"I'm going to talk to Janet for a few minutes, and then we'll get the staffs together, okay?"  
  
Daniel nodded as Sam walked towards the door.  
  
"Sam?"  
  
She turned and faced her friend.  
  
"I ... I love him."  
  
Sam looked down and back up at Daniel and smiled, "I know" and then exited the office.  
  
Daniel wasn't sure if he had done the right thing or not. He had been totally unprepared for Sam's comments, but he believed her motives were true, and just as she was trying to protect both him and Jack, Daniel would protect Jack and his career.  
  
  
  
====  
  
As the threat to the SGC increased, the infectious properties of the orb spreading, Daniel's anxiety increased. He needed to be with his lover, but he couldn't. Like an unmovable stone, Teal'c had planted himself next to Jack, and Daniel couldn't think of a way to get him out of the room.   
  
"Gawd, it's hopeless."  
  
**Jack, I love you.**  
  
Daniel heard nothing in response. Normally, the telepathic-like communication between Jack and Daniel was its strongest when one was in jeopardy, but the orb seemed to have severed it. Daniel returned to the information they had gleaned from the alien object, determined to find the solution to save his lover.  
  
He would lose himself in the research. He would find an answer. He had to. The alternative was too unpleasant to think about.  
  
====  
  
Sam had spent hours with Janet and other members of her team trying to solve the puzzle herself. She had also made frequent visits to the Gate Room, making sure she had been seen, trying to let her emotional side shine through.  
  
She was all for femininity, but flaunting her stuff on base was foreign to her. She knew she had to be subtle, yet obvious. It was a delicate balance she strived to reach.  
  
With each visit and emotional conversation she had with others, she noticed more and more personnel watching her. She hoped her plan was working, and with Daniel focused on the translations and having chosen to stay away from the Gate Room, things were going very well.  
  
"Now, if we can only figure out how to turn this thing off," Sam said to herself, knowing her actions were for naught if they couldn't save her CO.  
  
====  
  
"Not once have we stopped to listen," Daniel explained his discovery to Sam and the General.  
  
The orb was trying to communicate, and Daniel finally felt a sense of hope. If they could get through, find out what it wanted, then maybe they could save Jack. And yet, he was frustrated, knowing he had no point of reference to use in translating the language used by the orb.  
  
"Communicate through Jack?" he asked Sam after she suggested that perhaps that is what the orb was trying to do.  
  
They agreed on a plan, and as she informed Jack, she knew all eyes were on her. She was confident they would succeed, so she knew she couldn't let this opportunity pass. She talked gently to her CO, tried to make her eyes speak of something more than the friendship and respect she truly felt for Jack O'Neill, and then she placed her hand in his, knowing that would get the base talking. She hoped he would understand her actions when they got the object to disconnect itself from Jack.  
  
Their plan was successful, and the inhabitants of the orb spoke through Jack, revealing that they could not return to the planet. The object's life included Jack and was aware that the Tau'ri meant no harm, but the life force did not wish to die.  
  
Hammond informed the life force of the self-destruct and made a request.  
  
"If you would allow us to restore our communications," Hammond asked, "we could stop that from happening. We would survive."  
  
The life force responded, "O'Neill desires this as well. He wishes to live."  
  
The life force inside of Jack looked at Daniel, making eye contact, and for the first time, Daniel heard his lover speak to him, **I love you, Danny. I don't want to leave you.**  
  
Daniel returned the gaze, **I love you, too, Jack. I'll find a way. I have to.**  
  
"But what of us?" the life force asked.  
  
Daniel's mind worked quickly. He had to save Jack, and himself, "P4G-881! It's primordial, lots of oxygen and sunlight like this world was a quarter of a billion years ago."  
  
"Sir, we can't open the Stargate without the computers."  
  
"You would send us there? Through your stargate?"  
  
"We would," Hammond assured the alien.  
  
"For what reason?"  
  
Hammond spoke sincerely, "So that we both may survive."  
  
The alien life force gasped and threw Jack's head back. Daniel grew desperate, his voice pleading, "We'll take you there ourselves. Please!"  
  
Daniel stood, anxious. The power in the Gate Room went out, then came back on, and then the spear removed itself from Jack's body. The life force went to the orb and reconnected to it. Jack's body took the glowing orb to the engaged Stargate and suddenly tossed it through the gate as Daniel and the others watched. Then, Jack fell backwards on to the ramp.  
  
Sam and the General aborted the auto-destruct as Daniel and Teal'c ran to Jack and helped him up. Daniel said nothing for a moment, his left hand gently placed on Jack's upper arm.  
  
Finally, the young man spoke, "Welcome back, Jack," unable to contain a smile, but he wanted to do so much more.  
  
He and Teal'c helped Jack out of the Gate Room to the infirmary where Janet did a full exam. Amazingly, there were no ill effects. The life force of the orb had left Jack slightly weakened, but without any visible injury.  
  
"You're free to go, Colonel. Good as ever."  
  
"Thank you, Doc," Jack hopped off the bed, smiling at Daniel who hadn't left his side.  
  
The two walked out. Daniel's arms were folded, and Jack sensed the stress inside his lover.  
  
"Just another hour, Danny, and then we go home," Jack whispered.  
  
Daniel nodded and the two quickly made their way to the Briefing Room where Hammond was waiting for the team to do a quick debriefing. When it was done, he gave SG-1 48 hours downtime to recoup before their next mission.  
  
====  
  
Jack and Daniel had gone home to Jack's country styled house. They had snuggled for a while as they talked about the day, but Daniel had been surprisingly quiet. Jack decided his soul mate needed a little time to process. The events with the orb had taken a toll.  
  
At roughly 7 p.m., Jack walked out of the study where he had been paying some bills. He saw Daniel standing on the patio outside, self-hugging.  
  
"Okay, Danny, you're holding out on me, and that's not acceptable," Jack spoke softly, heading for the patio.  
  
When he reached his lover, Jack put his arms around him, holding him close. Daniel sighed contently and leaned his body into Jack willingly, his head resting against Jack's left shoulder, where the spear of the orb had once inflicted so much pain.  
  
"It doesn't hurt or anything, does it?"  
  
"No, Love," Jack kissed Daniel's temple, his hands reaching under Daniel's blue shirt to feel the soft skin that made him shiver with delight.  
  
"Talk to me, Danny. And don't even try to out-maneuver me. I know something's bothering you. Tell me."  
  
"I felt so helpless, Jack. I just stood there ... in the Control Room ... for the longest time. I just ... stood there, watching you. Gawd, I was afraid I was going to lose you and I had only just found you."  
  
"You saved me, Danny. You made the connection, and Carter made it work."  
  
"Sam."  
  
Daniel pulled out of Jack's warm embrace and walked into the house to the fireplace, staring at the empty cubbyhole. He was self-hugging again.  
  
"What about Carter?"  
  
"She knows, Jack."  
  
"Knows what?"  
  
Daniel sighed, turned to face Jack, and answered, "About us."  
  
"You told her?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Then how?"  
  
"She ... she just figured it out."  
  
"No way. C'mon, Daniel, you're just being over sensitive or something."  
  
"Jack, she knows. She told me. She ... wanted to help."  
  
"Help? Daniel, what the blazes are you talking about?"  
  
Daniel was studying the carpet, hesitant and nervous.  
  
"Okay, let's go."  
  
"Go?"  
  
"Go!" Jack insisted, getting his jacket from the closet. "Daniel, now!"  
  
Daniel sighed, and followed Jack to the door.  
  
"Danny, get your jacket."  
  
"I'm not a child, Jack."  
  
"Then get your jacket."  
  
Daniel rolled his eyes and got his jacket and followed Jack to the truck. The ride to Sam's was done in silence. Daniel didn't mind. He didn't know what to say. He wasn't sure how to explain Sam's revelation to him, nor was he sure why she had done what she had. Part of him wondered if Sam liked Jack, maybe wanted him for herself.  
  
Daniel shut his eyes, shaking off that thought. Sam wasn't like that. If she knew Daniel and Jack were involved, which apparently she did, then she would never make a play for Jack herself.  
  
====  
  
"Sir? Daniel? ... um, come in," Sam spoke in surprise at seeing her two colleagues at her front door.  
  
It was almost 8:30 p.m., and Sam had been relaxing, reading a technical journal by the fireplace.  
  
"Hope we aren't interrupting anything, Carter."  
  
"No, I was just reading," Sam answered seeing Daniel studying the mantle, his arms folding around himself and seemingly very withdrawn.  
  
"Is something wrong, Sir?" Sam's focus was on Daniel, which didn't go unnoticed by Jack.  
  
"I hope not. Carter, Daniel says ... well, he said you ... that you," Jack fidgeted and then called out, "Daniel, tell her."  
  
Daniel turned, "I ... told him that you ... when you came in my office ... I mean ..."  
  
"Yes, Sir, I do ... Sir."  
  
"I think maybe you'd better drop the Sir for a while."  
  
"Yes ... Jack," Sam looked down at the carpet and then asked, "Maybe we should sit down."  
  
"Yes. Sit. Good idea, Ca ... Sam," Jack flinched and then sat down on the sofa. Daniel followed and sat on the sofa as well, but left a couple of feet between him and his lover. Sam sat on a chair that faced the sofa.  
  
The three teammates sat in silence for a few minutes, all avoiding the subject.  
  
"Oh, for crying out loud, this is ridiculous. Carter, do you know or not?"  
  
"Yes, Sir."  
  
"How? When?"  
  
"Hadante. You got in Daniel's personal space in an ... intimate way ... Jack, and he didn't seem to mind," Sam glanced at Daniel who was evading her gaze again, "and ... then with the withdrawal, the way you held him in the Storage Room and shut the rest of us out, as if Daniel was your ... well, like he was your responsibility, more than just being his CO ... Sir."  
  
Sam felt very uncomfortable, swallowing hard as she concluded her rationale.  
  
"Oh, I see," Jack glanced at Daniel, "and ... so ... how do you ... feel about ..., "Jack motioned to Daniel and then himself.  
  
Sam took a deep breath, "To be honest, I ... don't know. It's not my place to judge you, but you're my family and my friends, and I won't let either of you be hurt simply because ... well, because you've found something together that I don't understand."  
  
Sam leaned forward, "Sir, Daniel, SG-1 ... well, we're a family, and families help and protect each other, and that's what I tried to do."  
  
"What exactly did you do?" Jack asked quietly.  
  
"Sir, Daniel was upset. He was worried about you, and ..."  
  
"I didn't hide it very well, Jack," Daniel said almost inaudibly.  
  
Jack felt both sadness and despair in his lover. Sam knew, so Jack reached over and grabbed Daniel's hand, causing the young man to look up at him in surprise.  
  
"It's okay, Danny. If the situation had been reversed, I doubt I would have been myself either."  
  
Daniel smiled, and Sam sat back and watched this amazing connection happen right in front of her eyes. Jack and Daniel were lost in each other, sitting apart, only their hands touching, but the unity was unmistakable. It almost caused Sam to shiver herself, from the raw emotion and electricity that filled the air.  
  
"Sir," Sam said, desperate to get beyond the moment, "I asked Daniel if he would be upset if I tried to draw the attention away from him. I overheard several discussions ... gossip, but the ... it was more than just the usual chatter that we hear all the time. I felt it was safer if the personnel were concentrating on me, than on Daniel."  
  
"So you did what?"  
  
"Smiled a lot ... at you, and looked sad and droopy eyed at the right moments ... and I ... sorry, Sir, but I held your hand quite a bit ... Sir," Sam choked, turning red-faced and feeling totally juvenile.  
  
"I see."  
  
Jack turned to Daniel, "She really asked you if that was okay?"  
  
Daniel nodded.  
  
"And you said yes?"  
  
"I didn't want to, but ... I had to try and protect you. They'll courtmartial you, Jack."  
  
"It's against the regs to get involved with someone on your own team, too."  
  
"Yes, Sir, but of the two offenses, it's the one that will draw the least amount of concern. Let me help, Colonel. When it gets like it was yesterday and today, I'd like to help."  
  
"There's a risk, Captain."  
  
"I'm aware of that. It's my choice," Sam said confidently.  
  
She then nodded at Daniel, who wasn't looking at her. She looked at Jack, silently saying, "He needs someone to rely on when you aren't around."  
  
Jack received the message and smiled, "Thanks, Carter. Look, nothing changes, and if you ever think it has, that it's affecting my leadership, I expect you to tell me. In fact, I order you to."  
  
"Yes, Sir."  
  
"Okay," Jack clapped his thighs and then stood, "So we're good to go?"  
  
"I'm fine, Sir. Yes."  
  
"Daniel?" Sam asked, "I won't do this if it makes you feel uncomfortable. I mean it's your life, and you mean ... I ... I only want to make things easier, but if it ever crosses a line, I need to know you'll tell me."  
  
"I will, Sam. Thank you."  
  
A few minutes later, Jack and Daniel finally left Sam's house. Sam was relieved. She still didn't know how she really felt about the intimate relationship between the two men, but she believed every word she had spoken -- they were family, and no matter what, she would do everything in her power to protect them, no matter what the risk to her own career.  
  
====  
  
"Danny, where's the toothpaste?" Jack shouted from the bathroom.  
  
Getting no response, Jack walked out into their bedroom, buttoning his white pajama top. He stopped for a minute, seeing Daniel sitting, slumped forward slightly, on Jack's side of the bed. The young man was already in his light blue pajamas. His glasses were off and he was staring down at the floor, his hands pressing against the sheets of the turned-down bed.  
  
Jack took a breath and crawled into the bed on Daniel's side, scooting over towards his lover. He reached up to touch Daniel's back, "C'mere, Danny," and then Jack tugged on Daniel's left arm a little as he lay back.  
  
Daniel twisted to his left and lay on top of his lover, his head on Jack's right shoulder. Jack held him tightly.  
  
"I'm good as new, you know."  
  
"I know."  
  
"You saved me."  
  
"Sam and Janet did most of it."  
  
"You made the connection, realized the alien life forces were in the orb. If you hadn't done that, Carter couldn't have done her thing."  
  
"I should have been stronger."  
  
"Daniel, listen to me. Remember what Carter said ... about the withdrawal?"  
  
Daniel nodded against Jack's shoulder.  
  
"Think about what she said. Did it sound like I was behaving rationally?"  
  
"I don't know what you mean."  
  
"Danny, I forcibly took you out of the SGC and brought you home. It was against Fraiser's advice, McKenzie's orders, Hammond's wishes, and everyone else's common sense. I dragged you out of there, and locked you away here, and I refused to let anyone near you."  
  
Daniel shifted slightly, his hand undoing the buttons to Jack's pajamas so his fingers could gain full access to Jack's chest. Jack had a hairy chest, and Daniel thought it was the sexiest thing he'd ever seen except for Jack's silly Irish grin.  
  
"Do you remember, Danny?"  
  
"A little."  
  
"My point is ... I was an idiot. I'd do it again, without hesitation, but it wasn't logical. Geez, Danny, do you know what that looked like? What I did went way beyond my rights or responsibility as your CO. What I did ... was with all the emotion and all the rights of someone who loves you."  
  
Jack placed a kiss on Daniel's shaggy hair, "So you see, My Love, neither one of us is ever going to be normal when the other is in jeopardy, because we love each other, and loving means ... it means we worry, and that's not always easy to hide, especially when the other is in pain of any kind."  
  
Daniel finally looked up into Jack's eyes, "So ... you're not mad at me?"  
  
"Mad? For crying out loud, Daniel, I love you. Why should I be mad?"  
  
And then it hit him. Daniel hadn't been able to hide his love for Jack as much as Daniel thought he should have been able to, and then he had allowed Sam to help them, more or less admitting to the relationship, and then, Daniel had thought that Jack would be angry or upset at Daniel's weakness, and even more so ...  
  
"Oh, Danny, you crazy beautiful human being," Jack said, raising his hands to cup his lover's face, "I'm not going anywhere. I love you, for always. You did everything you could to protect us and to save me. I'm not mad or upset or disappointed or anything except ... proud and happy that for some reason you've picked me to give your heart to."  
  
Daniel blinked, "I thought you'd be angry."  
  
"I love you, Danny," Jack brought their mouths together and kissed his love. "Danny, I don't care if the whole world knows. You're my life, and some day, My Love, we are going to tell the world. I'm not ashamed of us. Are you?"  
  
"No. I love you, Jack."  
  
"And I love you. Now, to the really important stuff," Jack ran his fingers through Daniel's hair, "where the heck did you hide the toothpaste?"  
  
"Toothpaste. Oh ... I forgot to buy some. I used the last of it."  
  
"Daniel ... how am I supposed to go to sleep with grimy teeth. I could get a cavity."  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"And a cavity could mean pain. Do you know what mouth pain feels like?"  
  
Jack began to shout, carrying on and on about Daniel's forgetfulness and that it would be his fault if Jack's teeth rotted. It went on for three minutes, as Daniel sheepishly listened to Jack's ranting.  
  
Finally, Jack shouted, "Do you know what this means? This total lack of concern on your part?"  
  
Daniel shook his head.  
  
"It means I have to do this," Jack flipped Daniel over and began tickling him furiously.  
  
Daniel squirmed, the laughter erupting. He never asked Jack to stop. It felt good to have real feelings after the numbness of the last few days. The release went on for a couple of minutes.  
  
"You crazy geek. I love you so much, Danny," Jack spoke as the two settled again, "You're everything to me."  
  
Jack kissed Daniel passionately.  
  
"You were kidding about the toothpaste?"  
  
"What's a cavity when I have you to take care of me?"  
  
Daniel gave a big smile, his arms wrapping around Jack's neck.  
  
"Some day," Jack said seriously, "you're going to know that we can fight and disagree, or be in a lousy mood ... or whatever ... and you're going to know, Danny, that it doesn't change our love."  
  
Jack put his hand over Daniel's heart, "That little boy that got so hurt is always afraid that he's going to get left behind. It's not going to happen, Daniel. It will never happen. Do you hear me? I ... love ... you, and that will never change, not ever ... even if you did forget to buy toothpaste."  
  
"Jack?"  
  
"Yes, Love?"  
  
"You know how they say that when people fall in love, they start to pick up each other's traits and habits?"  
  
"Yeah, I've heard that rumor. What about it?"  
  
"You've picked up one of mine."  
  
"No way."  
  
"Way."  
  
"Never happen."  
  
"But it did."  
  
"I don't believe it."  
  
"It's the truth."  
  
"Prove it."  
  
"Shut up."  
  
"Oh, now that's going over the line. What does that mean?"  
  
"It means you talk too much."  
  
"Me? No way."  
  
"Way."  
  
"Not true, Danny."  
  
"Jack?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Shut up, and make love to me."  
  
"Oh, I do love the way you think. It's so ... so ..."  
  
"Jack?"  
  
"Right."  
  
Jack and Daniel renewed their love, with joy in their hearts, happiness in their souls, and stars dancing overhead as their bodies climaxed from their joining. Life was good in Colorado Springs ... at least for the moment!  
  
====  
  
"Hey, Jack, that 2IC has the hots for you," Norm Foster teased as he joined Jack and some other men in the Commissary for lunch a few days after the incident with the orb.  
  
"Carter?"  
  
"That's it, Colonel," Mike Bishop laughed, "Play it cool."  
  
"Yeah, frat rules and the like, I guess you have to be careful, but you can tell us, does she deliver as good as she looks?" Jake Petrocelli asked with a leer in his eye.  
  
Jack practically spit out his coffee at Colonel Petrocelli's suggestive question. His first instinct was to set the guys straight, but then he remembered the game, and realized he needed to play along.  
  
"Well, you know, anyone with any brains, especially in the Air Force, wouldn't kiss and tell," Jack winked at the trio.  
  
The three took Jack's comment to be an affirmative answer.  
  
"I'll bet she's hot stuff in bed," Mike stated.  
  
"Uh, let's not jump the gun, guys," Jack said seriously, trying to tone down their assumptions. "I'm not bucking for a courtmartial here!"  
  
"Give it time, Jack. I saw how she was when that thing attacked you. She was gone, really worried."  
  
"Heck, for a while, everyone was talking about you and ..." Mike stopped short, exchanging looks with the other two men.  
  
Jack knew they were talking about Daniel, and suddenly playing the game became more important. He feigned innocence.  
  
"Me and who?" Jack sipped his coffee as he asked.  
  
"Never mind, Jack. You're too much a man for that crap. So what's the real story with you and Carter?"  
  
"Hi, Jack," Daniel said, surprising Jack and the others.  
  
"Daniel? Thought you had a meeting."  
  
"It ... was cancelled," Daniel responded hesitantly, seeing the funny looks he was getting.  
  
"Sit down," Jack indicated.  
  
Daniel took the only seat available, the one across from Jack and next to Jake.  
  
"So, what's the topic?" Daniel asked, feeling strangely like the odd man out.  
  
Jake smacked his lips as he took a bite of salad, "Jack and Captain Carter," he said, almost as a tease, "hot stuff, wouldn't you agree, Jackson?"  
  
"That would be Doctor Jackson to you, Jake."  
  
Jake slowed his chewing as he looked at Jack and Daniel, as if pondering and wondering if he had been wrong to dismiss the rumors about them so quickly.  
  
"It's okay, Jack."  
  
"No, it's not okay. You're not military, and those degrees mean something. People need to show some respect, especially here," Jack glared at Jake, and then realized his words weren't doing much to dispel the notion of a relationship between he and Daniel, so he stretched a truth a little as he added, "and you know General Hammond has insisted that all the civilians on base be addressed by their proper titles, if they have one, and you definitely have one!"  
  
It was Mike who reacted next. Though he couldn't recall seeing any specific orders coming from the General on this subject, he did recall an incident not long ago where a civilian had complained about being treated badly, so he bought Jack's comments completely. He held his hands up and grinned, "Sorry, DOCTOR Jackson. She is hot though."  
  
Daniel looked at Jack who very slightly motioned with his head, the only further warning he could give about the characters they were lunching with.  
  
"Yeah, hot," Daniel said, as he snapped a piece of carrot in two.  
  
Daniel had heard about all he cared to. After the incident with the orb and the discussion with Sam about their relationship, Jack and Daniel had spent two days together, just loving each other, but then the reality of their newly launched game, one in which Sam would act as a love decoy, pretending to have feelings for Jack, and vice versa, had begun to grate on him.  
  
He hadn't realized that the tiny looks, small gestures, and whispered words between Jack and Sam would be so hard to take. What's more, the base seemed to be catching on without much help from the supposed couple. It was a like a wildfire burning out of control. The more Jack and Sam sat together or exchanged glances, the faster and wilder the stories about them came.  
  
As Jack's best friend and a close confidant of Sam's, a lot personnel turned to Daniel for information, or sometimes, just to tease. The talk about Jack and Daniel had subsided almost instantly. Seeing this, the young man had thought his lover and friend could cut back a little on the overtness of their "romantic" actions, but Sam hadn't realized that Daniel had been serious when he had commented on it, and Jack had just teased Daniel about being jealous.  
  
Sitting now at the Commissary, listening to the conversation about the supposed affair, Daniel felt a mixture of anger at having his feelings ignored, regret at having ever agreed to the deception in the first place, and frustration at not being able to reach across the table and kiss his lover right here and show everyone just who it was that Jack loved. Before his emotions took him further into despair, Mike's goading request brought Daniel back to the moment.  
  
  
  
"Come on, Jack. Details."  
  
"No hedging," Jake added, "Like Mike said, we want the real story."  
  
"Well," Jack coughed, "what can I say? Carter is ... Carter."  
  
"You're being too modest," Mike said.  
  
"No, just don't like to kiss and tell, that's all. Carter has a right to privacy."  
  
"But you've been there, haven't you, Jack," Jake asked pointedly.  
  
"Been there?"  
  
Daniel was still chewing the piece of meat he had first put in his mouth. This conversation was not to his liking at all. He could sense Jack was uncomfortable, too, but he wasn't sure if that was because of the questions or because he had joined the group at the table.  
  
"You're being sly, Jack, and that's not like you," Norm chimed in, finally done with his pie which had been the focus of his attention during most of the conversation.  
  
"Look, I told you, I don't ..."  
  
Jack saw the faces. They weren't going to be satisfied until he said something more concrete.  
  
"Okay, she's good, very good. We've had some good times, very spine-tingling."  
  
"I always knew you had a thing for her. It was obvious by the little looks you kept giving each other. You're the man, Jack. Finally defrosted the ice-maiden, eh?" Mike laughed haughtily.  
  
"Yeah, well, you know me, when I want something bad enough, I won't stop until I get it."  
  
The men ate it up, totally buying Jack's statements, and then one by one they left.  
  
"Spine-tingling?"  
  
"Antarctica. It was cold, Danny!"  
  
"Oh, I see."  
  
Jack noticed the icy tone of voice, and saw the skeptical look in Daniel's eyes.  
  
"You know something else?"  
  
"No, why don't you enlighten me," Daniel asked snarkily.  
  
"It's suddenly very cold in here, too."  
  
Daniel slurped his coffee intentionally, "Ah, warm. Only warm thing I'll be touching today."  
  
"Get a grip, Daniel. It's only a game, one you consented to. In fact, it's one we're playing because of you."  
  
Daniel smiled weakly, looking off to the side, "Thanks, Jack, for reminding me that the risk to your career is all because of me, and my weakness to not be able to act like I don't give a crap what happens to you when some alien life force decides to use you for some ... some pin cushion! I needed that thrown in my face right now."  
  
"Danny, that's not what I meant."  
  
"But it's what you said."  
  
"For crying out loud, stop being so sensitive. I happen to ...," Jack looked around, noticing there were way too many people watching, trying to hear what was being said from the intense looks being expressed, "... for crying out loud, it's a friggin' game."  
  
"I know that, Jack, and it's fine, really. You go ahead and have fun."  
  
"You think I'm having fun?"  
  
"Oh, I know you're having fun. It's written all over face every time one of these guys tell you that you're the man."  
  
"What's that supposed to mean?"  
  
"Look, just forget it. I don't want to talk about it anymore, at least not here. It's not getting us anywhere."  
  
"Well, I do want to talk about it, so let's hear it."  
  
"Why is everything always about you, Jack? Gawd. Shouldn't this be about Sam, too, and her reputation ... or is the truth that neither of you care about that anymore? You wanna hear it, Jack? You got it! I think it's becoming perfectly obvious to me that out of the two supposedly high priorities of your life, your career is THE most important," Daniel snorted, a sarcastic laughing sound, "I rank a very poor second, and I'm probably lucky that I rate that high."  
  
"That's garbage and you know it," Jack said, noticing the looks being directed their way, something Daniel noticed as well but didn't seem to care much about at the moment.  
  
"Do I? You know that I'm finding this hard, and yet you think it's worth it. You don't care that the way you are playing the game hurts me. Jack, it's not the game itself, because you're right. It's all because of me, but you aren't going for a field goal, Jack. You're going for the touchdown. You only need three points, not six, but your macho man attitude can't see that, can it? As long as you and Sam don't get found out, that's what's important, isn't it, Jack?"  
  
Jack nodded sarcastically as Daniel stood and walked away.   
  
Daniel avoided Jack for the rest of the day, and had left the SGC without telling his lover.   
  
====  
  
When Jack arrived home, he found a message on his answering machine.  
  
"Jack, I have to work tonight, so we have to cancel our plans. The ... game will have to wait. I'll see you at work tomorrow. Oh, please don't call. If you interrupt me, it means I'll have to stay up all night because this really does need to get done by morning, so ... you know how you nag. Good night."  
  
Jack erased the message and walked to the kitchen. He made a couple of sandwiches, one roast beef, and one ham. He grabbed some cole slaw and took a couple of beers out of the refrigerator. Nourishment in hand, Jack climbed up to the roof deck. Sitting on one of the deck chairs, Jack uncapped one of the beers and took a swig. It was freezing cold outside, but to Jack, that didn't matter.  
  
"Hey, Stars, looks like it's just you and me tonight ... and why not? If I'm going to get the cold treatment, I might as well really be cold."  
  
"Hi Fish," Daniel said sadly, alone in the cold of his apartment.   
  
He carefully fed the swimming creatures and watched as most swam to the top of the tank to eat their meal. But then he saw one lingering near the bottom. Standing motionless, his arms folded across his chest, Daniel studied the lonely fish as if he had never seen such a creature before.  
  
"You're gonna die, Fish," Daniel said after a while, turning and walking away.  
  
The young man went to his kitchen to prepare dinner. Opening his cabinets, he did nothing but stare for quite a while. Finally, he reverted back to childhood and made two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. He took them and a bag of Doritos into the living room.  
  
As he walked, holding his food, Daniel's mind went back to the fish, the very lonely, hungry fish.  
  
"Dead fish," Daniel sighed as sat down on the sofa, putting the food on the coffee table.  
  
Daniel was hunched forward, holding the first sandwich in his hand, yet not taking a bite.  
  
"I guess I'm not really very hungry," Jack and Daniel said at the exact same time, though in different parts of Colorado Springs.  
  
Having put his sandwich back on the small plastic deck table, Jack leaned back and stared at the stars, thinking again about how cold it was outside.  
  
Having put his sandwich back on the coffee table, Daniel leaned back, his eyes focused on the ceiling, his body unusually cold in the comfort of his apartment.  
  
After a few minutes, he looked over at the fish tank. He just couldn't stop thinking about the small orange life. Finally, he stood and went back to the closet and pulled out one of the smaller fish bowls he sometimes used when working on the fish tank.  
  
Carefully, he took some water from the tank and netted the lone fish. He put some feed in the small bowl and watched as the little fish ignored it.  
  
"Dead fish. You're lonely. It's that other orange fish that died last week, isn't it? I'm sorry. He got sick. Wasn't his fault, Fish. He didn't want to die. He didn't mean to leave you behind. It just ... happened. But you had bonded with him, hadn't you? He became part of you. I understand. So ... Fish, I guess you're going to sink down and die, aren't you? I'm sorry, Fish."  
  
After several more minutes of staring mindlessly at the fish, Daniel said, "I guess I should do my work. I don't want to make my message to Jack ...  
  
"... a lie? Do you really have work to do, Danny, or did you finally lie to me? Do you truly have to ...  
  
"... work. I have to get it done, so my message to Jack won't be a lie. I never knew doing what I love could be so ..."  
  
"lonely. I'm so lonely tonight, stars. I miss him, My Danny. I don't understand this. I don't know why he's making this out to be a big deal. I love him, not Carter. It's a game, and it's all for him, for our love. Well, if he wants to be alone, he can stay at his apartment forever and work. Maybe I should just go to the cabin and ..."  
  
" ...Fish, I can't believe I'm relegated to sitting here talking to a dying fish. How much further down is it before I hit bottom? Jack just doesn't get it, Fish. He just doesn't ..."  
  
"Understand what, Danny? You keep saying that I don't and you're right, I don't. But why does it have to push us apart? Danny, why aren't you here? Why am I sitting here ..."  
  
"alone. I feel so alone. Why aren't you here, Jack? Gawd, I told you not to come. I'm pushing you away, but I don't want you to go. I only want the hurt to go away, not you. Don't leave, Jack."  
  
Daniel opened the backpack of books and notes that he had brought home from the SGC and started to work, desperately trying to make the message he had left on the answering machine the truth. But every few minutes, he ended up staring at the fish.  
  
"Big Fish didn't mean to die, Little Fish. Sometimes, Big Fish don't realize how much they can hurt you. They don't mean to. Big Fish loves you, even still, I'm sure of it."  
  
Daniel moved off the sofa to sit on the floor, becoming eye level with the orange fish. He put his fingers to the bowl and tapped on it briefly, and then slowly lowered his hand to his lap.  
  
Jack tapped on the telescope, trying to adjust the focus to his liking. He stared through the lens at the constellations, seeking comfort but getting none.   
  
"So, Fish, do we sit here and be lonely and ... die, or do we accept that Big Fish is just Big Fish, and no matter what, we know we love Big Fish, and he doesn't mean to hurt us? He loves us. Gawd, I love him. I guess it doesn't matter if I hurt a little, does it? I mean, my entire life, I've sacrificed. I've never been happy. Why should I be happy now? Maybe ... maybe just being ... content for a while ... maybe that's all I can expect. He doesn't mean to hurt me. He doesn't love her. Does he? No, I know he doesn't. The thing is, someday he might, because ... like we both know, Little Fish, eventually Big Fishes leave little fishes. I'm so ..."  
  
"Sorry, Danny, but what you're doing and what you're saying makes no sense to me. I'm just so sorry ..."  
  
"for both of us, Little Fish," Daniel sighed.  
  
Daniel closed his books and went to bed. He turned the heat up high, not comprehending the chill that filled him. He slid under the blankets, even adding another one that he normally kept in the closet. Still, he felt only cold as he slept through the night.  
  
Several miles away, Jack fell asleep under the stars, trying with all his might to feel only the cold of the night and not the cold that was inside of him.  
  
The next morning, Daniel found Little Fish dead. He gave him a proper burial, reciting a small eulogy.  
  
"Here lies Little Fish, who only wanted someone to love him first, just for once. Goodbye, Little Fish. I guess we both dreamed too high. But ... thank you for reminding me. I over-reacted, expected too much. I love him, Little Fish. I can endure some unhappiness if it means he won't send me away, like everyone else has that I've loved. Rest in Peace, Little Fish."  
  
Daniel flushed the toilet and put on his jacket and headed for the SGC.  
  
====  
  
Daniel sat in his car which was parked in a corner of the SGC parking lot. The radio continued to play a Barry Manilow tune, "I Made it Through the Rain."  
  
Daniel sighed, "It sounds more like a hurricane than a storm to me, and I hope it ends soon."  
  
He closed his eyes. He had a decision to make. Little Fish had reminded him of his vulnerability. He didn't like it, but at the moment, he just wanted to hang on to the good, to Jack ... at least for a little while. He hoped Jack would tire of the game, or that somehow, he'd finally understand.  
  
"Gawd, Jack. I can't do this forever. Please ... give me the strength to hang on before what we have is ... flushed down the toilet."  
  
Daniel decided to try and endure the hurt for a while longer in the hopes that his lover would see the light. No one had ever made Daniel feel the way Jack had, and he didn't want to lose that ... he didn't want to lose Jack.  
  
====  
  
"Jack, I'm sorry," Daniel said the following morning, entering Jack's office, "I over-reacted, and ... I'm sorry."  
  
Jack shut his door, turned off the security camera and kissed his lover for the first time in 24 hours.  
  
"Hmm, you taste good," Jack sighed. "It was just the game, Danny, but if you've changed your mind, tell me now, and it will never happen again."  
  
"No, we need Sam and ... the game. It's just ... I didn't know it would be so hard to listen to it. I'm sorry."  
  
"It's okay. I missed you last night."  
  
"I missed you, too ... and, I really did have to work. It wasn't a lie ... just a ... a convenient tool, I guess."  
  
"I got the message," Jack smiled, kissing Daniel again. "Briefing is at 1100 hours. You ready with that research we need?"  
  
"Yes, all done. I have to go. Just wanted you to know ... you know."  
  
"I love you."  
  
"Love you, too."  
  
====  
  
The next day, Daniel entered the infirmary. He had a headache and wanted to get some aspirin from Janet. As he entered, he heard some nurses talking. He stood outside the door. He thought he recognized some of the voices, but he wasn't sure.  
  
"The Captain was all eyes. Did you see her looking up at Colonel O'Neill when that thing had him blocked against the wall?"  
  
"They had the Gate Room closed off."  
  
"Yes, but I had gone into the Control Room to see Sergeant Davis and it was on the screen. I swear, gals, she has it bad for O'Neill."  
  
"I can't say I'm surprised. She's always bucking to be at his side."  
  
"Oh, and I forgot. She actually held his hand ... reached for it and took it. I about fell down, right there in front of the General."  
  
"Maybe it was the terror of the moment."  
  
"If that's the case, Shirl, how do you explain those goo-goo eyes she gave him this morning?"  
  
"Or that hand holding from yesterday?"  
  
"Hand holding?"  
  
"In the Commissary. I saw them myself."  
  
"They held hands in the Commissary?"  
  
"They sure did. I guess the Colonel cares more about her than regs!"  
  
"She's lucky. He's dreamy."  
  
Daniel's headache was worse, but all he wanted now was to get as far away from the infirmary as he could, so he turned, bumping into Janet.  
  
"Daniel, did you need something?"  
  
"No, thanks," Daniel answered quickly, side-stepping Janet and hurrying back to his office.  
  
====  
  
"DANIEL, CALM DOWN!"  
  
"YOU WERE HOLDING HER HAND, JACK! That's what they said."  
  
"I was NOT holding her blasted hand. They ... exaggerated!"  
  
"Oh really. Tell me what really happened."  
  
"WHAT? Oh for ... Daniel, listen to me. Carter was in the Commissary having breakfast. There were a few people around so we figured we'd give them a little show, just facial stuff. You know, a look or wink or something. She asked me to pass her the salt. I reached for it, and bumped her hand. We sort of turned to each other, I guess. It was just a split-second."  
  
"Jack, if Sam's hand was already by the salt, why did she ask you to pass it to her?"  
  
Jack stood stunned. He hadn't thought about that. He fidgeted, and ran his right hand through his brown hair.  
  
"I don't know. But she did!"  
  
"Right, Jack."  
  
"Daniel, I am NOT lying to you."  
  
Jack watched Daniel head for the door.  
  
"DANIEL, STOP RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE," Jack ran to the door, and stuck his right arm out to prevent Daniel from opening it. "This is ridiculous. I'm not lying. It's just a game, and you know it."  
  
"Move your arm, Jack."  
  
"You're not leaving, Daniel."  
  
"Jack, what part of move ... your ... arm do you not understand?"  
  
"You are NOT going anywhere. DO YOU HEAR ME?"  
  
The next thing Jack knew he was on the floor, Daniel grabbing his right arm and flipping him. Jack had been taken totally by surprise.  
  
"Ouch! What the ... DANIEL?"  
  
"I guess you underestimate me, too, Jack."  
  
"Danny, that hurt!"  
  
"Get Sam to kiss it and make it better," Daniel said, as he walked out, slamming the door behind him.  
  
====  
  
"CARTER!" Jack bellowed, entering the lab where his 2IC was working.  
  
"Sir?"  
  
"Why'd you ask me to pass the friggin' salt when it was right next to you?"  
  
"Salt?" Sam racked her brain, trying to figure out what her CO was asking; then it suddenly came to her. "Oh, well, Sir, I saw some of the nurses had walked in, and I figured it would be a good way to create some ... well, you know ... Sir."  
  
"Fine. Carter. Go tell, Daniel."  
  
"Sir?"  
  
"Never mind. I'm just having a ... bad day."  
  
Jack walked out of Sam's lab and headed for Daniel's office.  
  
"Don't tell me you're busy. Just sit there and listen," Jack said, shutting and locking Daniel's office door, and then turning off the security camera. "Nurses."  
  
"Nurses?"  
  
"Yes, nurses. Those blasted, gossiping nurses. Carter saw them walk into the Commissary and thought she'd play her own game."  
  
"The salt?"  
  
"The salt," Jack nodded. "Now, can we move on, please?"  
  
Daniel thought for a moment and smiled, "Sure, we can move on. You move on, OUT of my office, and I'll move on to the next page of my book."  
  
"OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, Daniel. IT'S A BLASTED GAME! Get over it, or I'm calling the whole thing off ... and NOW!"  
  
Jack stormed out of Daniel's office, leaving the younger man alone ... and worried. He didn't want to lose Jack, but he feared he had.  
  
"Call it off?" Daniel said softly, suddenly folding his arms into a self-hug.  
  
====  
  
Jack stared through the telescope in the cold night air of the night. He had considered going after Daniel, but he had decided against it. He was angry, so he thought, "Let him stew a while."  
  
Of course, that meant Jack was stewing, too. In fact, Jack was miserable. He was cold and alone, and desperately missing his lover, the man who always made his heart warm and glad to be alive.  
  
"Oh for crying out loud, it's not worth it."  
  
"It's not?" Daniel asked, his voice soft and panicked.  
  
"I didn't hear you. Geez, I'm getting old ... or ... something."  
  
"It's not worth it?"  
  
Daniel stood on the edge of the roof deck, about to turn and run. His heart was pounding. He felt his world about to collapse all around him.   
  
"No, it's not."  
  
"Oh, I guess I'll ..."  
  
"In fact, it's downright stupid, letting you stew. Dumbest idea I've had in ... days. Geez, I'm dying here. I miss you. Where the heck have you been anyway?"  
  
"I don't understand. You just said it wasn't worth it."  
  
"I told you, it's not."  
  
"Then why say you miss me?"  
  
"Because I do," Jack grunted from frustration, and thinking the physical distance between them wasn't helping any, he walked towards his lover, "Danny, what's wrong with you?"  
  
"You just said that ..."  
  
"We already covered that ..."  
  
"But I thought ... you said ..."  
  
"Daniel ... STOP!"  
  
Daniel froze like an ice sculpture, and Jack realized they were definitely not on the same page ... yet!  
  
Jack sighed, "Sorry. That didn't come out right. Let's start over. Now, what I meant was that earlier I told myself I was going to stay here all night and let you stew because I figured you deserved it ... BUT ... I had just come to the conclusion that getting some stupid sense of satisfaction from you being miserable wasn't worth it because ... frankly, I'm miserable when you're miserable, so in case you didn't notice when you so quietly climbed up to the roof, I was putting the cap on the scope because I was about to go get you and take care of this ridiculous situation."  
  
"Take care of it how?"  
  
"By doing this ..."  
  
Jack kissed his lover with zest, his arms going around Daniel and pulling him close to his body. Daniel's arms went around Jack's waist.  
  
"Jack, in my office, you said you were going to call it off."  
  
"Yeah, and I'm thinking it's a good idea, too."  
  
"But you just ...."  
  
"Okay ... stop. Danny, I get the impression we're still not on the same page."  
  
Daniel refused to meet Jack's gaze, so Jack placed his right hand under Daniel's chin and pushed it up, forcing Daniel to look at him.  
  
"What did you think I meant?"  
  
"Us."  
  
"Oh, Danny. Sometimes, for a genius, you are so not a genius."  
  
Daniel nodded his head to one side and looked back down, so again, Jack used his hand to bring Daniel's face up to his level.  
  
"Listen to me, I meant the game with Carter, not us. Danny, I didn't lie to you. I wouldn't do that. She saw some nurses, and thought it would help. I didn't know that until I asked her this morning."  
  
"I know."  
  
"You do."  
  
"She asked me earlier if everything was all right between us and I said why wouldn't it be and she told me you had asked about the salt. I'm sorry, Jack. I thought you ... that maybe you really wanted her."  
  
"Danny, this game isn't worth it. I won't risk you. I love you. Do you understand that? It's not worth losing you!"  
  
Daniel leaned into Jack, who embraced him eagerly.  
  
"I'm sorry. It's my fault, again. Gawd, I hate being jealous."  
  
"And I don't want you to be jealous either. This game is over."  
  
"No, Jack. We need Sam. We've talked about this."  
  
Jack moved so they could look into each other's eyes. They needed that extra communication. Too many harsh words had interfered recently.  
  
"Yes, we have, but this is twice in just one week that we've fought over this ... game. Danny, we fight enough over our differences. Why are we adding something to that mix ourselves, something we don't have to?"  
  
Daniel flinched, but only briefly, "Because I love you, and I need you, and sometimes when you get hurt, I don't hide that very well ... and ... and because I don't want to live without you, Jack, and if they find out about us, they might take you away from me, and I can't handle that, Jack. I just can't. I can't."  
  
"Danny," Jack took his love into his arms again, and thought quietly for a minute or so, and then relented just slightly, "Okay, we'll keep playing the game, but Danny, I won't fight with you anymore ... not about this. It's a game. I don't love Carter. I don't friggin' want Carter, and I for sure as heck don't need her. I do love you, want you more than I have words to express, and need you more than air to breathe. You got that?"  
  
"Yes, I got it."  
  
"Good. Can we go to bed? I'm tired."  
  
"Oh, tired. Okay."  
  
"Not THAT tired, Danny," Jack smiled promisingly.  
  
"Oh," Daniel said, a big grin coming to his face.  
  
"What am I going to do with you?" Jack teased as they began down the ladder.  
  
"I can make a list, Jack," Daniel said softly.  
  
"Would it include putting my ..."  
  
Crickets chirped in the night as Jack and Daniel reunited in a consummate chorus of their bodies.  
  
====  
  
"Excuse me, Sir," Sam smiled flirtatiously, having bumped into her CO in the Commissary.  
  
"No problem, Carter. In fact, it was my pleasure," Jack said boastfully.  
  
As the two continued a round of flirty banter, Daniel selected his food and found a table where he watched the action, the smiles, the nods, the body bumping. He watched as others in the large room watched. Everyone was buying the interplay between Jack and Sam.  
  
Quietly, Daniel ate his food. In fact, by the time Jack joined him, he was almost done.  
  
"Sorry, the game."  
  
"I know. Your food is probably cold."  
  
"I think you're right. How about we go out tonight, get a decent meal?"  
  
"Sure, anything you want."  
  
"Danny, you okay?"  
  
Daniel nodded, "Just tired. Worked on getting that research together all night."  
  
"You want to skip dinner?"  
  
"No, I have to eat."  
  
"Good."  
  
====  
  
"Daniel, do you have that text from the plaque on Prensa?"  
  
"Sure, Steve, it's right here ... somewhere," Daniel answered one of the members of his staff, searching his desk for the item in question.  
  
"Well, while you're looking, Daniel, what's with O'Neill and Carter?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"They're having an affair, aren't they? Even though it's against the rules. Man, that guy has balls."  
  
Daniel looked wide-eyed at Steve.  
  
"What I meant was that he has a lot of nerve going against regulations like that. She's a looker, but he's really bucking the system."  
  
"I wouldn't know."  
  
"I thought you were his best friend."  
  
"Best friend? Yeah, I guess."  
  
"Then don't you know? Oh, I get it. You can't tell. Man, I'd love to know the stories he tells you. Have you seen Carter on her bike? Wow Mama!"  
  
"Steve, when I find the text I'll bring it to you."  
  
"Sure. Thanks, Daniel."  
  
Daniel sighed. Every time he turned around it seemed someone was asking him about his lover and his friend. And if that wasn't happening, then every time he turned around, he was witnessing another display himself. He was tired. It had been three weeks of the game, and Daniel hated it more than ever.  
  
"Get over it, Jackson. You have to protect him ... even if it hurts. But who do I have to protect him from, a courtmartial or Sam?"  
  
====  
  
"Way to go, Jack. I always knew you had it in you," Kevin Owens shouted as Jack walked out of the shower, a white towel covering the lower half of his body.  
  
"Well, you know what I always say, Kev, if you've got it, flaunt it," Jack laughed, doing a little shimmy of the lower half of his body as he moved from the shower section into the locker area.  
  
"Hey, Daniel," Jack said, sensing something in Daniel's eyes that he couldn't quite glean.  
  
"I'm ready to go, Jack. I'll be in my office."  
  
Daniel walked out, leaving Jack to dress into his street clothes.  
  
====  
  
"Okay, spill."  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"Danny, you were a statue in the truck all the way home, and for the last three hours all you've done is sit here on this sofa, and don't try telling me you've been reading, even though you've been turning pages."  
  
"But I've ..."  
  
"Daniel, it's upside down."  
  
"Wha...what?"  
  
"The book, Daniel. It's upside down."  
  
Daniel looked at the book and sighed, closing it and tossing it onto the coffee table and then crossing his arms.  
  
"Spill."  
  
"It's ..."  
  
"... nothing," both said at the same time.  
  
"Bull, Danny."  
  
"Jack ... I'm not jealous."  
  
"That's good, because you've got nothing to be jealous about."  
  
"I know."  
  
"So ... the problem is ...?"  
  
"It's gone too far. You like it, Jack. So does Sam."  
  
"Daniel, if this is going to work, we have to play with it."  
  
"I know. It's just ... sometimes, Jack ... I mean ... it's all the time. Does it have to be every second of every day?"  
  
"I'm not going to argue, Danny."  
  
"Stop making this all or nothing. I told you, it's not about jealousy, not anymore. Jack, I know you love me, okay? That's not what this is about."  
  
"Then what?"  
  
"It freakin' hurts, okay? Watching you with her! Listening to all that ... that ... rubbish at the SGC, it hurts. It's too much, Jack. It doesn't need to go as far as you two are taking it."  
  
"We're not doing anything extreme. It's all just words. You're overreacting again."  
  
"Yeah, I guess so."  
  
"I know so. Now, you didn't eat a bite, so how about I make us a sandwich or something?"  
  
"Sure. Okay."  
  
Jack kissed his lover, "I ... love ... you."  
  
"I know, Jack. I love you, too.  
  
Daniel sighed deeply as Jack entered the kitchen. This was the third time he'd tried to get Jack to understand that the game was being taken to an extreme where it wasn't needed, at least not at the moment, and he couldn't get his lover to acknowledge that listening to gossip about him with someone else wasn't fun. Daniel's heart was ripping apart, bit by bit, and he didn't know how to stop it.  
  
====  
  
"Sir, I was wondering if you could help me with this ... inside," Sam smiled, a sultry smile.  
  
SG-1 was participating in a planning session for a training exercise, along with SG teams 4, 6, 7 and 9. Also present were General Hammond and a slew of SGC personnel.  
  
Jack, Daniel and Teal'c had been reviewing criteria for first contact situations when Sam approached with some papers in her hand.  
  
Daniel noticed that as she had leaned over closely in front of Jack several of those present were watching.   
  
Jack said, "Sure, Carter, always happy to assist."  
  
"It should only take a quick moment, Sir."  
  
"Quickies! My speciality," Jack winked at Norm who was sitting at another table.  
  
As Jack and Sam walked out of the area, the room was buzzing with chatter, and it wasn't about the upcoming training.  
  
"Daniel, we have to know what's going on. Tell us," Joan Everson whispered.  
  
"I don't know anything," Daniel said sternly, getting up and crossing the room to chat with Lou Ferretti.  
  
====  
  
"All I'm saying is would it hurt to lower the temperature a little?"  
  
"Daniel, I'm not a ... thermometer or something. We're playing. We have to take advantage of those situations. Stop being silly, and let me kiss you silly."  
  
"But Jack, if it was reversed ..."  
  
"And that's even sillier. Come on, Danny, I'm tired of arguing about this. Let's kiss," Jack crossed the room to his lover and kissed him, but his partner was less than enthusiastic. "Daniel ..."  
  
"Jack, you don't understand."  
  
"No, I don't, but you know how I feel about this. If we're going to fight then ..."  
  
"Gawd, stop it. You win. I won't say another word. Not one."  
  
"Good. I love you all speechless," Jack said as he kissed Daniel, and then embraced him, whispering a slew of sweet nothings.  
  
Daniel listened, the words warm and tender, but he was cold, very cold.  
  
====  
  
Jack signed his name, flipped the file folder shut, and tossed it into the out bin. Taking a breath, he leaned back in his chair and stared at the ceiling. Silently, Jack's mind talked to his lover.  
  
"I don't understand why you're so upset. I'm just doing what we all agreed to, but My Love, I felt that coldness the other night, and I see that look in your eyes. Enough is enough, Danny. I'm taking matters into my own hand. This game is over. It ends now."  
  
Jack stood up, intending to go Sam's office to tell her to stop the game, but as he reached the door, Sergeant Davis appeared.  
  
"Excuse me, Colonel. General Hammond wants to see you on the double."  
  
"Thank you, Sergeant."  
  
Jack immediately headed for the General's office.  
  
"Sir, you wanted to see me?"  
  
"Close the door, Jack."  
  
"You look ... serious, Sir."  
  
"Sit down, Jack. This is very serious. There's been ... an incident on base."  
  
"Incident?"  
  
"One of the civilians working in another area was severely beaten last night."  
  
"Who?"  
  
The General handed Jack the personnel file for Blair Winters.  
  
"I don't believe I know him."  
  
"He's fairly new, still awaiting clearance for the SGC. He's been working on some special projects until the paperwork comes through and then he'll be joining us."  
  
"You said he was beaten?"  
  
"Yes, and they didn't make a secret of it."  
  
"They?"  
  
"Gay-bashing, Jack. Apparently, Blair's sexual orientation isn't exactly military, and he wasn't hiding that. They got to him in the parking lot. The only witness willing to say anything said that the attackers were in Marine uniforms, and that they were loud, making threats, warning Blair and those of his kind that they weren't welcome at Cheyenne Mountain."  
  
"What about the videotape?"  
  
"We're working on it, but they picked the right area. It was dark and their backs were to the camera. The problem, Jack, is that there have been other less severe incidents over the past few weeks. I need you to pay attention to anything out of the ordinary."  
  
"Yes, Sir."  
  
Jack stood and headed for the door.  
  
"Jack?"  
  
Jack turned to face Hammond.  
  
"We have to keep this quiet. No one is to know about the incident, but ...," the General stood and walked closer to his 2IC, "Jack, we've all heard rumors. This place is a rumor mill. I'm not saying anything about anyone, but based on the information we've received, our civilians are at risk."  
  
"Our civilians?" Jack asked hesitantly.  
  
"Take care of your team, Colonel. I'm afraid until we catch the perpetrators of last night's attack that Dr. Jackson is one of those at risk."  
  
"Daniel's ... married, Sir."  
  
"I know that, but I'm sure you've heard the rumors. Facts aren't the issue with these men."  
  
"Thank you, Sir," Jack quietly left Hammond's office, returning to his own.  
  
Sitting at his desk, Jack hunched over, folding his arms across the edge of the desk. He leaned his head against them and sighed as he inwardly thought his apology, "Sorry, Danny, but the game has to go on. I have to do everything I can to keep them away from you. If I stop the bit with Carter now, they might start talking about us again. I can't let that happen, not now. This Winters guy is lucky to be alive. We'll get through this. It's only a game. Just a game."  
  
====  
  
The next week continued on with much the same type of activity. Daniel, completely unaware of the gay-bashing incident, no longer tried to convey his feelings to his lover. Instead, he watched in silence as Jack and Sam held pinky fingers one day, and he said nothing when Jack patted his 2IC on the back, letting his hand drop to her derriere in front of the nurses in the infirmary after their post-mission exams, and he held back his tongue when several others continued to ask him about the "affair" between his lover and his friend.  
  
Daniel was miserable. He didn't want the game to end, but he needed it to be more realistic. Daniel thought to himself that as it stood, Jack could be courtmartialed for fraternization violations, and if he was going to be busted, it might as well be for "Don't Ask, Don't Tell."  
  
As he sat in his office pondering the situation, he was called to the General's office. When he arrived, all of SG-1 was there, as well as SG-3.  
  
"We have a situation with the people of Prensa. We're going to have to go in covertly, make them think we are following their rituals. Only three people will be allowed to attend this Rite that Dr. Mitchell has told us about."  
  
Steve Mitchell was the same "Steve" who had asked Daniel about Jack and Sam not long ago. He had a degree in Ancient Civilizations, similar to Daniel's, but not quite as involved.  
  
"Colonel O'Neill, you and Captain Carter will go in as the representative of Earth, and the Captain will be your ...," Hammond paused, not liking the word, "consort. You'll have to act out the part as much as possible."  
  
"Not a problem, Sir," Jack winked at his 2IC who pretended to be shy and smiled back accordingly.  
  
"Dr. Jackson, you will go as the ..." turning to Steve, "what was that called, Dr. Mitchell?"  
  
"The Dingolem."  
  
"Which means?"  
  
"Well, in their language, it means ... I guess the best translation would be something like extra hand, or third wheel. The idea is that the Dingolem is the doer of the consort's bidding, while the consort is obligated to do anything the leader desires."  
  
"Now, that is going to be fun," Jack rubbed his hands together, noticing that SG-3 was totally engrossed in the little production he and Sam were putting on.  
  
  
  
"Swell," Daniel said.  
  
The mission had only been seven hours in length, but during that time, according to the Prensa customs, Jack and Sam had to never lose contact. To pull apart would mean a disavowing of their union, so they had held hands.  
  
Daniel noticed Jack squeezing her hand several times, and Sam was leaning against Jack quite a bit, and then, Prensa custom required kisses ... lots of kisses. Fortunately, the mission was a success, and the Tau'ri had passed the Rite. They would not have to go through this again. However, as a sign of good faith, three Prensa inhabitants would now have to go to Earth and participate in some ritual of Earth's choice.  
  
Thus, Jack and Sam had to continue the game in front of the entire SGC and having to watch yet another kiss, Daniel felt like he might throw up. It was just too much. Jack was smiling, and Sam was smiling, and Daniel just wanted to die.  
  
"Gawd, Jack, if that were me, you'd have the M-5 out, and you know it!" Daniel thought quietly.  
  
When the Prensa people returned to their home world, Jack and Daniel went home. Jack decided to take a long shower, and Daniel decided he wanted a large glass of wine. When they went to bed, they made love, but it was a quiet session. Daniel needed time to process. He loved Jack, and wanted him. And he knew that Jack felt the same way. This wasn't about love; it was about understanding and respect. He had to do something. He just didn't know what.  
  
====  
  
It was three days after the Prensa mess, and it had been more of the same game playing at the SGC, but they had moved forward. They had to. They loved each other. The game was only to protect that love, and yet, Daniel's heart ached and he didn't know how to make Jack aware of the impact of his actions.  
  
Daniel sat with his back leaning against the headboard of their king-sized bed. His naked torso was visible above the comforter that hung in place from just below his waist. He had his knees drawn up slightly, using them as a support for his journal that he had been writing in. The room was lit only by a small book light.  
  
Jack was asleep next to Daniel. He had endured a long day at the SGC, having been called in early, at 4 a.m. to deal with some crisis. His agenda for the day had him going non-stop, and he hadn't arrived home until 9 p.m. when he almost fell asleep having a late dinner with Daniel, who had waited for him.  
  
Daniel fingered through Jack's hair for a minute, slowly and carefully enjoying the texture of the soft strands, and gently caressing his lover's forehead with his motion. Then, he leaned over and placed a kiss on Jack's forehead. It was a slow kiss, Daniel's lips pressed to Jack's skin for several seconds.  
  
When he stopped the kiss, Daniel turned his head sideways to lean against Jack's, and he whispered, "I love you, Jack, love you so much."  
  
Daniel's head turned again to Jack's forehead and he kissed his lover again, and then he went back to his original position against the headboard.  
  
Jack moved, a little smile seeming to appear on his face. He mumbled, "Danny," as he turned towards the younger man. His eyes never opened, but Jack's right arm reached around in search of his partner, finally resting atop Daniel's right thigh. His foot hooked around Daniel's right ankle, as if to secure the young man in place. Jack's face was nuzzled into Daniel's side, like a puppy seeking comfort and warmth from its owner.  
  
Daniel smiled, and again ran his hand through Jack's hair.  
  
"Danny," Jack mumbled again, but Daniel knew he wasn't really awake.  
  
"Shhh, My Love. Sleep. I'm here. I'll always be here, Jack. Shhh."  
  
After a couple of minutes, when Daniel was sure Jack had settled, he focused on his journal. It was difficult to write, with Jack holding on to his various body parts, but Daniel hunched forward, resting the journal on his lap and managed to write down his thoughts.   
  
When he was done, he leaned back, the journal still on his lap, and studied his sleeping soul mate for several minutes, remembering the countless ways Jack had shown his love for Daniel during their first few months together.  
  
Finally, Daniel closed the journal and placed it in the nightstand. He gently scooted down under the covers, and nudged Jack onto him.  
  
More often than not, Daniel fell asleep on his Jack pillow, but tonight, he was happy to have Jack as his warm blanket. Daniel never closed his eyes, but he gently caressed his lover throughout the night, until the music of the alarm clock went off to start a new day.  
  
====  
  
"Daniel, lunch!" Jack stated boisterously as he entered his lover's office.  
  
"I can't Jack. I have a couple of things I have to do. I'm sorry."  
  
"Ah, Danny," Jack slouched.  
  
Daniel smiled, "You'll survive. Ask Teal'c."  
  
"He's off with some of those new recruits," Jack chuckled, "You know, he's good at training. Has a knack for it."  
  
"They respect him."  
  
"They're scared to death of him, and that's the secret to most military training -- fear!"  
  
Daniel rolled his eyes, "How about Ferretti?"  
  
Jack sighed, "Went off-world this morning. I know. I'll get Carter. We'll put on another show. It'll be fun."  
  
Daniel looked down, trying not to react, but folding his arms in a self-hug. Jack picked up some artifact and began to play with it, not noticing his lover's change in posture as their conversation continued.  
  
"How long is that blasted meeting of yours tonight?"  
  
"I should be home about eightish. What are you going to do until I get home?"  
  
"My Neo-ritual," Jack said tossing around some artifact he had picked up off a self.  
  
Daniel laughed, "You and your rituals, and put that down."  
  
"America is built on rituals, and you are so demanding."  
  
"Go play with your ... clusters or something," Daniel teased.  
  
Putting down the artifact, Jack laughed as he walked behind Daniel, and leaned over. He was positioned so he could see the door in case anyone walked in.  
  
"Hurry home, Love. I have plans for us tonight," and quickly, Jack placed a kiss on Daniel's nape and then walked to the door, and exited.  
  
====  
  
Awhile later, after some intense concentration on his research, Daniel felt a headache coming on and decided to go to the infirmary and get some painkillers. As he entered, he saw Marie, one of Janet's nurses and a recent addition to the SGC. She was pretty and had a lovely disposition. She also had a major crush on Daniel, something Jack had immediately noticed and pointed out to the younger man.  
  
"Hi, Daniel," She beamed as she walked over to him. "What can I do for you?"  
  
"Um, I have a headache, Marie, and it won't go away. Can you give me something?"  
  
"Now there's a loaded question," she laughed, handing him the painkillers. "They'll take a little while to work. How about in the meantime I give you a quick head massage? I'm told I'm very good, and it'll help."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
Marie stood in front of him and began to knead his temples. She was right, Daniel thought silently -- she was good. He could feel the tension melting away.  
  
Daniel lifted his head up, trying to get greater access to the source of his comfort. Soon he was lost in the moment, his headache slowly but surely receding. When she'd finished, he opened his eyes and looked at her. She was so close and looked so sad, that he moved to give her a peck on the cheek to reassure her that although there couldn't be anything between them, that they could always be friends.  
  
Daniel knew how it felt to feel empty, like you could never truly be happy. Marie had that same look, of wanting and needing love, but not being able to find one that would last.  
  
She was a nice person and he didn't like to think of her being sad because of him. As he went to pull away, she touched her hand to the back of his head and gently pulled him in. As the kiss deepened, he heard a cough from behind and jerked away.  
  
"Sorry, Doc," Mike grinned. "Didn't mean to interrupt."  
  
"You didn't, it's not what you think. I was just thanking her for helping me."  
  
"Geez. Remind me not to do anything for you in the future, I might end up getting a tonsillectomy."  
  
"Can I do something for you?" Marie asked sharply.  
  
"No thanks, Hon. I was just passing through. You carry on with the ... medical."  
  
He turned around and left, chuckling.  
  
"I'm so sorry, Daniel, I shouldn't have done that."  
  
"It's okay, really. It happened, put it down to both of us feeling a tad fed up at the moment."  
  
He saw her face drop and realized how hurt she was. The game was out of hand with innocent people now being drawn into it and hurt. Daniel knew he normally never would have allowed the kiss to have gone on as long as it had except for his despair over all the flirtations between Jack and Sam. For Marie's sake, he had to make sure she understood that there couldn't be anything between them, and that what had happened was a mistake.  
  
"Can you take a break, Marie? We need to talk."  
  
"I can get away for a few minutes," Marie smiled, hope in her eyes.  
  
Daniel sighed, "Lets go get a coffee."  
  
In the Commissary, Mike and the others were seated at a table when Jack joined them for a break.  
  
"What's up, guys?"  
  
"On your own, Jack? Carter given you the boot already?"  
  
"Nope! She's busy somewhere salivating over a doohickey. We're not joined at the hip you know, and keep it down, it's supposed to be a secret."  
  
"You're not the only one with something to hide," Mike snickered.  
  
"I'm sure I'm not. Besides, if you guys keep talking about me and Carter, I'll be in Leavenworth before you know it."  
  
"Don't worry, you have some competition for the gossip mill, if what Mike says is true," Norm stated with a sneer.  
  
"That's good to know; maybe it'll take some of the heat off me. Who's the lucky guy?"  
  
"None other than our famous Doctor Jackson. Who'd have thought he had it in him. I wasn't sure that he even liked girls."  
  
"Stop beating around the bush and get to the point," Jack scowled, angry at the insinuation without even knowing what the gossip was. "What's Daniel done now?"  
  
Daniel walked in just as Mike began to regale Jack with the scene in the infirmary, but by now it had been added to and embellished upon greatly, the kiss being related as having been the greatest joining of lips and tongues since the creation of mankind.  
  
Having decided that he needed to talk to Marie alone in order to be able to let her down gently, Daniel had quietly steered her to a table at the other side of the room. Deep in conversation, he didn't notice Jack approaching until he felt the strong grip on his shoulder.  
  
"Daniel."  
  
"Jack," the young man looked up at his lover.  
  
"Could you come with me please?"  
  
"Um, sorry, Jack. I need to talk to Marie first. We can talk later."  
  
"NO!" Jack barked, his look cold and without expression. "This can't wait. I want you to come with me NOW!"  
  
"And I said that I need to talk to Marie. Whatever it is, I'm sure it can wait a few minutes. Maybe Sam can help you out."  
  
Jack's jealousy was something Daniel was just becoming aware of fully. His lover had a green-eyed monster within him that could send King Kong running for his life. It had begun with little jokes and quips, but they had argued over Jack's possessiveness a few times, and it was Jack who had noticed Marie's flirtatiousness with Daniel from the start.  
  
Looking at Jack now, Daniel could see that Jack's Mr. Jealousy was taking hold of him, even though they were at the SGC, so Jack's next action wasn't all that surprising to him, though it still made Daniel angry.  
  
Jack leaned down to whisper in Daniel's ear, "Either you come with me now of your own accord, or I'll drag you out. Is that what you want? I'm telling you, Daniel, I'm in no mood for this at the moment, and you will be coming with me, one way or the other. Do I make myself clear?"  
  
The last thing Daniel wanted was a scene and so apologizing to Marie and promising to speak to her soon, he followed Jack out of the door, neither of them speaking until the arrived in Jack's office.  
  
====  
  
"Jack, you aren't going to believe that jerk, are you?"  
  
"Then what was that little tet-a-tet about?"  
  
"I wanted to make sure she understood that there couldn't be anything between us."  
  
"Try saying, 'there can't be anything between us.' Simple. Easy. Quick!"  
  
"Jack, why is this suddenly about Marie? Gawd, you know there's nothing. I know you know it."  
  
Jack stewed silently.  
  
"It's your guilt, Jack."  
  
"Guilt?"  
  
"Sam. I think inside of you somewhere you know that you're pushing it, for no reason than to be the King of Cheyenne Mountain, the talk of the water cooler."  
  
"You're wrong!"  
  
"Am I? Then why do you keep doing so much more than you need to?"  
  
"IT'S THE BLASTED GAME!"  
  
"No, it's not. It's your blasted ego and need to feel like those jarheads think you're a man!"  
  
"I AM a man!"  
  
"I know that, but do you? Gawd, that's it!"  
  
Daniel paced around the office nervously, his breathing increasing its pace as his blood pressure shot up. He didn't want to think about this possibility. After all, it was Jack who had begun their relationship.  
  
"Maybe," Daniel spoke very quietly, "maybe you don't want this, Jack. Maybe ... you aren't as sure as yourself as you think."  
  
"Oh for crying out loud. I LOVE YOU, YOU IDIOT!"  
  
"Maybe. But maybe it's not enough."  
  
"Daniel, you are not turning this around into some crazy emotional roller coaster. I know how I feel, and I know what I want ... and that's you!"  
  
Daniel turned to face Jack, "But am I enough, Jack? I mean, maybe being in love with another man isn't as okay with your psyche as you think it is. And now, with the guys praising your ... your .. cahones," Daniel cocked his head as he spoke, "you are suddenly remembering how that felt. Maybe you miss it. Do you want to make love to her?"  
  
"Daniel, so help me, I'm going to smack you!"  
  
"Well, it wouldn't be the first time."  
  
"What in Hades are you talking about?"  
  
"The Touched."  
  
"Daniel, come on. That was some crazy virus, not me."  
  
"I know, but Sam went after you, and you fought for her. Sam and I have only ever been friends, and yet, you ... you punched me, Jack, right there in the Gate Room."  
  
"YOU ARE DRIVING ME INSANE! Give me a break here!"  
  
"I'm driving you insane? You are so full of yourself it's unbelievable. You think this is still a game? The only person you're kidding is yourself, Jack, because I'm sure not falling for it. It started off as a game, with what I thought was a friend trying to help us out, but it's gone way beyond that. You're loving every minute of it. If I thought for one second that it was just you loving having the guys slap you on the back and say what a big man you were, I could live with that, but it's more than that, and I can't believe you can't see that! You're not that dumb or that blind!"  
  
" Daniel, you've gone off into one of your fantasy worlds again."  
  
"Oh, great Jack!. That's just great. Whenever I say something you don't like or understand, it's just me being flaky and obtuse. Do you even respect me, just a little?"  
  
"That's a stupid question."  
  
"Maybe. But you didn't answer it."  
  
"Oh, for crying out loud. Of course, I respect you."  
  
"Care to try it with a little more conviction?"  
  
"Danny, don't go there."  
  
"Why not, Jack? I've tried and tried to tell you that I know we need the game. I've admitted that I was jealous for a while, and that I realized that was just me overreacting. Jack, I've admitted my mistakes, and that I'm not strong enough to hide my love for you all the time when there's a crisis. If that makes me weak, than I guess I'm weak, and not up to your Black Ops skills. I can't hide behind hate. I don't know how."  
  
The phone rang and Jack grabbed it angrily, "O'Neill, and this had better be important ... grunt ... DO YOUR JOB, Captain Wells, and keep me advised," slamming the phone down with a clang.  
  
"Problem?"  
  
"Yes, you. You're not weak, Daniel. I don't fault you for anything, so stop trying to make it sound like I do. I told you we'll end the game."  
  
"No, Jack, you aren't listening to me! Gawd, did Sara go through this? Did you treat her like the little woman? Was it the same dictatorship you seem to want between us?"  
  
"You know that's not true, not with Sara, and definitely not with you!"  
  
"Then why aren't you hearing what I'm saying?"  
  
"I said we'd stop the game."  
  
"WE FREAKIN' NEED THE FRIGGIN' GAME, COLONEL. WILL YOU STOP BEING DEFENSIVE AND ACT LIKE YOUR GIVING IN, WHEN WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO IS LISTEN .. L - I - S - T - E - N."  
  
"I know how to spell the word, Daniel."  
  
"And do you know what it means?"  
  
"Danny, I'm not some ditzy blonde, you know!"  
  
"Ditzy blonde? Maybe that's what you'd like me to be ... some frail little thing who needs you. What is it you always say? That I'm beautiful ... is that what you want, Jack? Maybe you wish my name was Danielle with the gender that goes with it!"  
  
Jack moved to Daniel and kissed him, long, hard, full of both passion and possession.  
  
"Did you hear that? Were you listening to that? I could care less what sex you are. Have a sex change, and see if I care! Dress in drag, and see if I care! Get your body tattooed, and see if I care ... no, well, I might care about the tattoos. Danny, I fell in love with you. Your gender has nothing to do with your heart and your soul. I love your body, every inch of it, but the part of you that owns me for eternity is here," Jack put his hand over Daniel's heart. Your beautiful ... and yes, I repeat ... beautiful ... because it is ... one very definitely sexy and beautiful body is just a wonderful perk. But for the record, when I tell you that you're beautiful, which you are, more often than not, I'm talking about all of you, the blue eyes, the unregulation shaggy hair, the smooth skin, but also the spirit that loves and gives, the heart that cares and sacrifices ... all of you, My Love. All of you is beautiful to me!"  
  
"Jack, I'm sorry. I know you aren't that way. It's just ... you can't hear me, and I don't understand why, and that hurts almost as much as the hurt from the intensity of the game. Gawd, Jack, I don't even know what I mean anymore. I keep trying to figure out why, to find a reason for why you can't see. Do you? I mean ... do you have a clue what this is about?"  
  
"No, I'm sorry, too, because I don't want to hurt you, Danny, and you're right, I don't ... see what has you so upset when you admit you know it doesn't mean anything."  
  
"Jack, Marie meant nothing. I did nothing. She kissed me, and what I was guilty of was not jerking away so fast that she'd feel like a total idiot. And I guess I just needed a minute away, to think there was some peace away from this ... not you, but from the hurt. I was wrong, and so are you, but ... gawd, I can't be that angry at you when I believe you ... that you don't see it."  
  
"I wish you were talking sense, but to me, it sounds like ... well, you might as well be talking Goa'uld."  
  
"You know what else bothers me? This ... game, it's turned into something that is all about what you want, what will help you to look macho with the Marines. I'm just an afterthought in the entire process, the reason for it, but in the game, I barely figure into the equation. Even Sam hasn't really given any though to what this is doing to me."  
  
"Daniel ..."  
  
"No. Jack, it's the truth. You're getting your cake and your pie, and you're eating both. You have me and Sam. I gave you the perfect excuse to flirt with her, with my blessing yet. And somewhere deep inside, Jack, I can't help but think that both you and Sam are thinking, 'oh, it's just Daniel, he won't mind. Gee, he's too preoccupied to notice what's going on', but I ruined it for you because I did notice."  
  
Daniel walked close to Jack, "When Sam told you about what she had done and what she wanted to keep on doing, you didn't exactly put up a fight. And I don't think you even considered how it would affect me over the long haul. Yes, I agreed. I still do. But ... Jack, you accepted too fast. You didn't question it, not really. In fact, you're letting your second take a very big risk for you, in the name of protecting our relationship."  
  
Daniel put his hand on Jack's cheek, "Try to hear, Jack. Does that sound like you? Being so accepting, and if it doesn't, then maybe you should try and ask yourself why. You wanted this to happen Jack. In fact, you were glad it did. I don't blame you, not in the least. Sam's a beautiful, intelligent, independent woman."  
  
Daniel turned around, self-hugging now, his head bowed for a few moments, and then he spoke softly, facing the wall, afraid to turn around to face his lover. He didn't know what he meant anymore.   
  
One moment he thought Jack was just being clueless, then the next he felt like it was just the macho Marine lunacy that was controlling Jack's actions. And then, he worried Jack wasn't really prepared for a same-sex relationship, that the years of military and "men are men" living was deeper intrenched in the Colonel than either had ever considered. And finally, Daniel feared that maybe Jack did love Sam, or at least, was curious about her.  
  
The young man's theories were jumbled, and his worry mounted. He didn't know which was right, if any. He just knew they had to keep searching, to fight their way through this, if it was possible.  
  
"Perhaps you should put us all out of our misery and sleep with her. Get the curiosity out of the way, and then maybe we can get back to normal."  
  
"Daniel, you're speaking nonsense."  
  
Daniel chuckled, "Listen to you," he turned to look at Jack, "I just told you to sleep with Sam and you didn't yell at me. Doesn't that tell you something?"  
  
"It tells me you've lost your mind."  
  
"No, Love. Jack, you love me. I know that, but somewhere inside of you, you must believe you're missing something, or ... or maybe it is just that macho prick attitude, the he-man, the Air Force image. Maybe to be military means you have to love the thrill of the chase more than the thrill of the emotion. I mean, you can hardly chase me around the Commissary, can you? And no one is going to tell you you're the man for loving me, are they? In fact, if anything, the people will make you feel like you're sub-human, a defect, and Jack, isn't that what this is really about?"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Being a man. A normal, red-blooded, American macho prick, sex-crazed male. Isn't that what you've known for most of your adult life?"  
  
"You are really getting me angry, Daniel. I don't know how to get it through that thick skull of yours that this is all pretend. You say you know, but then you drag out that garbage. You know, because you admit you know, that I don't want Carter, that I DO want you, and then you tell me to sleep with her. Who's the confused one here?"  
  
"Jack ..."  
  
"No, you talked and I stood here. Now it's your turn to listen. I love you more than I ever thought I could love anyone with the exception of Charlie and yet you show absolutely no faith in me. I'm the one who should be angry, and rightfully so. I am doing EVERYTHING I can to get EVERYONE in this antiquated military to believe I care about someone I don't care about, not in that way. Do you have any idea what it is doing to me to play that up? To tease Carter about stuff that doesn't do one thing for me? Why don't you just get off your high horse of yours, just for once, Daniel, and come down with us mere mortals. You might find your view of the world changes a bit."  
  
"Your words of love and romantic gestures are underwhelming. Please, don't let me stop you while you're on a roll. Go on, say the words that will convince me!"  
  
"So help me, Daniel, you'd better back off right now or ..."  
  
"Or what? You'll hit me? Or will you walk out on me because it's getting a little close to the truth for you?"  
  
Jack shook his head. "I don't want to fight, Danny. This is crazy. I love you. Don't you believe that?"  
  
"Of course, I believe that, Jack. I've told you. Jack, did you hear what you said a minute ago? You said that you stood here while I talked, and then you told me to stand here and listen, but Love, you didn't say that you listened, only that you stood here. Gawd, I don't know what to do."  
  
"Neither do I. You're my life, Danny. I don't even have the words to tell you how much I love you."  
  
"This isn't about love. I love you too, more than you could possibly imagine. You're rooted deep inside me now, Jack. Every breath I take is because of you. You're just not getting what I'm trying to say, and so I think we should have some time apart to get everything into perspective."  
  
"I don't want ..."  
  
"Jack," Daniel sighed, "it's not just about what you want. It's what we need. I don't want this, either, and I don't want you to think that this is any reflection on how I feel about you. But I don't know what to do to get you to hear me. I just think it's something we need to do if we're going to make it to tomorrow. You keep doing what you're doing with Sam, maybe ... do what I suggested and ..."  
  
"Geez, you really are driving me out of my mind! You're talking about breaking up? We did that once. It didn't work."  
  
"I know, but the reasons were different, and yes, I think a break might be a good idea," Daniel said as he headed for the door, desperately needing a breath of fresh air.  
  
"NO!" Jack pulled on Daniel's arm. "We are so not going there. That's it. This game is over. I'm not playing anymore. If you don't know that I love you, totally, completely, then forget it, I'm not going to continue ... with the game. It's done. And if that doesn't convince you, I'm retiring ... now!"  
  
"Jack! Gawd," Daniel went to the sofa in Jack's office and sat, his head in his hands.  
  
Jack sighed, rubbing his hands through his hair, and then he went and sat quietly by Daniel. Neither said anything, but in the tradition of their friendship, they sat with their shoulders touching.  
  
"I love you, Danny. I know you think that I'm enjoying this game too much, but you have to believe me. I'd rather be out there telling them how much I love you. I don't want Carter and I don't know how else to tell you that than to say it. Geez, we sound like a broken record."  
  
"Yes, I know, and for the twentieth time today, I love you, too, Jack, and ... I know. It's just," Daniel exhaled, long and loud, and then sat back, his head touching the wall, "I hate being jealous, and for a while I was. I mean, I was really jealous, but mostly, it just hurts, and no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to get through to you, that we need the game, but that you're playing too hard. I don't know how else to get you to see what I see."  
  
"I'll try, Danny. But I'm sorry, I just don't, but I meant what I said. I'm not going to lose you because of this, so like I said before, we either go on together and stop this fighting, or the game is done, because I won't give you up. We aren't going to end because of this thing, and we keep fighting over it. We can't keep taking stupid chances like this. We're too important."  
  
"I know," Daniel conceded, inwardly thrilled Jack had stopped him from walking out of the office door.  
  
Jack's phone rang, and knowing General Hammond had wanted to meet with him today, Jack stood and answered it. He sighed as he hung up.  
  
"That's Hammond. We have a briefing with some of the Brass. You still have that meeting tonight?"  
  
"Yes, it's important. You still doing your ritual?"  
  
"That's the plan."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"Danny, are we okay? I have to know."  
  
Daniel stood and walked to his lover and kissed him, "Yes, we're okay. Hold me, Jack. Just for a minute."  
  
Jack held his lover tightly, and with gratitude. The kiss had been a warm one, full of love. Both men knew they'd survive this argument. It was minor on the scale of big-time Jack and Daniel disagreements. Still, arguing was always draining on them emotionally, and this one had been no exception. This hold, this hug, was a reaffirmation that they would make it through, even if they didn't yet know how.  
  
As Jack left, Daniel stood in silence for almost 20 minutes in Jack's office. He had a decision to make. It would be a risk, but he resolved he had to do it.  
  
Daniel went to the Locker Room and changed from his blue BDU jacket to his own brown jacket. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out his car keys and left the SGC.  
  
Forty minutes later, Daniel walked into the house he shared with Jack. He walked upstairs and pulled out an envelope they had hidden at the bottom of a drawer. In it were a few photos they had taken of themselves with a Polaroid camera recently. Daniel reviewed the photos with love, and then put them back.  
  
He went to the nightstand, and stood self-hugging for a few minutes, but then, he took his journal from the drawer and walked downstairs to the study. On the desk sat the latest edition of the National Geographic which had arrived the day before.  
  
"Neo-rituals," Daniel said softly.  
  
Jack had a favorite routine he loved to practice. He'd take a beer and a bowl of chips to the study and relax on the couch while he read the magazine from cover to cover. In the background, he'd play some classic Jazz music.  
  
Daniel opened his journal. He added a bit more to what had been written the night before. Then, he placed a pen at a specific point towards the top of the page. He pressed the journal to make sure the pages wouldn't move or the book close. When he was confident the journal was secure in its place, Daniel returned to the SGC.  
  
====  
  
Jack whistled as he entered the study, prepared to enjoy some private time. He hadn't seen Daniel since their fight, but he was sure they'd gotten through this bump in the road, and later would have some great make-up sex.   
  
Jack's meeting with Hammond and the Brass had been unusually painless, perhaps because it had been cut short, and when it had ended, the General had taken Jack aside, letting him know that they arrested the three Marines responsible for Blair Winters' beating. The three had admitted to the assault and were being held.  
  
Jack had been happy to hear the news. It was one less thing to worry about, or so he had thought briefly. Remembering the disagreement with Daniel earlier, he had considered talking to Sam and stopping the game. He still didn't get Daniel's problem, but when he hadn't been working so hard to ignore it, he had seen the pain in his partner's eyes and that pain pierced his own heart.  
  
In the end, though, Jack had still been worried that the Marines might not be alone. Maybe others were out there. The more he and Sam played the game, the safer Daniel would be. Thus, Jack had decided to continue as they were and had come home to enjoy his ritual of choice.  
  
It was one of the small pleasures Jack allowed himself. Daniel never disturbed him during his Neo-ritual, and the phone was always off. Everyone deserved a few moments to themselves, and this was one of Jack's.  
  
After putting down his refreshments and fluffing the pillows that rested on the couch, Jack walked to the desk to pick up the magazine. Seeing Daniel's journal, he was surprised. Instinctively, he started to call out for his lover, until he remembered Daniel wasn't home. He also knew that when he left the house that morning, the journal hadn't been there.  
  
Jack began to close it. He never read Daniel's journals. It was a trust established between them from the earliest points of their friendship. Daniel didn't worry about Jack trying to sneak a peak or looking at something while he got up for food or whatever. Daniel's journal was an extension of the younger man, and Jack would never dream of teasing about it, or abusing it.  
  
It was this trust that Jack dwelled on that prevented Jack from closing the book. It had been left open, atop Jack's magazine. The pen was set in place, like a marker. Two words appeared below the pen, and they had been written in all capital letters across an entire line, as if begging for attention. The words were, "IT HURTS."  
  
Jack sat down on office chair by the desk and began to read. It was clear to him that Daniel had left this for him. It was a message, something the young man apparently couldn't say verbally ... "or," Jack thought, "maybe it's something he's been trying to say, but I'm not hearing" ... so now he was saying it the only other way he knew how ... the written word.  
  
//From the Personal Journal of Daniel Jackson//  
  
IT HURTS.  
  
I guess it shouldn't, but it does. I know we need to play the game, that our lives might depend on it, but gawd, watching them together, it hurts.  
  
Yesterday, I saw her at lunch, sliding her hand across the table. Jack reached out with his and sort of nudged it gently, rubbing back and forth, that big Irish smile going full tilt. She actually blushed. The Marines bought it. Boy, did they buy it. The looks. The whispers.  
  
Maybe I'm being selfish, or maybe it's just that I'm too sensitive. Maybe always being left behind and ignored growing up is making me less tolerant. I don't know. I keep trying. He says it's all for me, but if it's for me, than why am I so miserable?  
  
Maybe I'm completely overreacting to something that is nothing, but it's hard. The talk is everywhere, and I know that was the idea, the whole reason for it, to distract everyone from me, from the rumors about Jack and me. But ... gawd, it hurts.  
  
The decoy has the whole base fascinated. Everywhere I go, they ask me, "Hey Jackson, what's the scoop with O'Neill and his 2IC?"  
  
They all want to know, and I have to play along and smile, and say I don't know anything, but no one believes me. They keep prodding, their curiosity rising every time Jack and Sam heighten the game.  
  
I guess that's the thing. Why? Why can't he see that every time he looks at her like that, that it ... it ... it hurts, like a piece of ground has given way, or .. a piece of my heart being chiseled into nothingness?  
  
Why do they have to play it up so much? I mean, nothing is happening right now. We're as safe as we could be. Gawd, three weeks ago people were sold on the idea of some fling between them. Why do we have to keep upping the stakes? Why go for a touchdown, when a field goal will work?  
  
I find myself wondering how Jack would feel if the situation were reversed. What if Sam and I had to pretend to play the game? What if he was the one who had to listen to Ferretti teasing me about "the gorgeous babe" and wondering if we'd "done the deed" yet? How would he feel if he had to watch me flirt with Sam all the time? How would he feel if Sam were hooking her pinky in my hand all the time?  
  
How would you feel?  
  
I love Jack with all my heart. He knows that. I don't not trust him. I've always trusted him. I'm not worried about the game becoming real, at least not anymore. I ... I have to admit that for a while, I got scared, that the decoy had become the prize. Gawd, Sam admitted she had a crush on Jack once. Who wouldn't?  
  
He's beautiful. He's so tall and strong, and gawd, he's handsome. Did I say sexy? Oh man, in dress blues he takes my breath away. Actually, Jack most always makes me breathless. His piercing eyes and that charming smile, who wouldn't want him? I've watched so many staring at him. I know some of the women wish he was theirs, but he's mine, and I'm not going to give him up, not even if I have to find a way to deal with the hurt ... on my own.  
  
He's intelligent, no matter how hard he tries to get people to think he's dumb, My Jack is one smart guy. I know the truth, and I won't let him get away with the dense bit, not if we're being serious. And he's protective. Even when I want to strangle him for all the Mother Henning and overbearing hovering, I have to admit, I love him even more for caring so much about me. No one has ever cared about me the way he does.  
  
Who wouldn't want Jack? Everyone wants him, but ... he's ... he says he loves me, and I ... I believe him.  
  
So after a bit of jealousy, which I hate to admit, and after a bit of irrational worry that the game wasn't a game anymore, I finally remembered the truth ... that Jack loves me as much as I love him. He comes home to me, not her.  
  
And yet, maybe he'll tire of me. Maybe I won't have a choice. I never have before when ... when I've had to move on. I can't lose him, so if I have to, I'll ... just let the game play on. I'll sit back, and let My Love do whatever he thinks he has to because I trust him to do what's best for both of us.  
  
But still, it hurts, and I don't know how to get him to understand without him thinking that I'm thinking it's something that I know it's not. It's just that it hurts. How many times do I have to say that before it matters to him?   
  
How can I get Jack to see that what he's doing now has gone beyond what is necessary, that he's taken the game to a place it didn't need to be, at least not right now?  
  
How can I tell Jack that his jokes with Ferretti and Anderson and all the others make me feel sad and alone? How can I let Jack know that I need it to stop without him feeling bad? I don't want Jack to feel bad. He's just doing what he thinks he has to.  
  
Jack, what if it was Norm patting me on the back, saying "You're the man, Daniel" and winking because he thinks Sam and I just spent a half hour locked up in my office? How would you feel, sitting there at lunch, listening to joke after joke ... day after day? Jack, can't you put yourself in my place, just for a few minutes?  
  
I love you, Jack, and gawd, I trust you with all that I am. I know you aren't interested in Sam in that way, but if you could see the last several weeks through my eyes, how would you feel? Why don't you understand, Jack? Why?  
  
//End of Daniel's Personal Journal//  
  
Jack closed the journal for a second to gather his thoughts and emotions, and then, opening the journal, he gently placed the book back as he had found it.  
  
He grabbed his beer and walked outside to the patio deck and sat down. He found himself reflecting on the events that had transpired since he had been taken over by the life force of the orb.  
  
He remembered the surprise revelation that Sam had known about his relationship with Daniel for quite a while and that she had wanted to help protect Daniel from the gossip mongers at the SGC ... and Jack had to admit, his 2IC was looking out for his career as well. They had decided to play the game, to use Sam as a willing decoy to draw attention away from Daniel and onto her.  
  
Jack recalled all the flirtations, the touching of their bodies, the verbal rhetoric, the "big talk" with Ferretti and others. He reviewed the innuendo that he himself had suggested, only to have heard it relayed back to him, the stories increased by the constant retelling to be much more than what it had began with.  
  
He replayed the arguments with Daniel, and finally, he heard his own words. Daniel was right. Jack hadn't listened in his office. He had stood there, humoring his lover, but not really listening. He, Jack, had decided that he was the right one, that Daniel was jealous, paranoid, and overly sensitive, and as a result, Jack hadn't heard a single word, except for Daniel's brief threat to end the relationship. That is when Jack O'Neill had finally listened, but only to the threat of Daniel leaving.  
  
After a few swigs of beer, Jack had an epiphany.  
  
"O'Neill, you are a blasted idiot! Gawd, you are so lucky Daniel forgives your lunatic characteristics!"  
  
Jack stood, and knew what he had to do. Daniel's pain was too great to ignore. The threat Jack had decided to protect him against was minor. They'd just ... be even more careful from now on.  
  
He also knew he had to proceed carefully. There were a lot of people indirectly involved with this charade, and what he did now had to be done not to hurt anyone, especially not Daniel.  
  
====  
  
When Daniel arrived home that night, Jack acted perfectly normal. He wined and dined his lover just as he had planned before their big fight in his office. It was a special evening for the two of them. He prepared one of Daniel's favorite pasta dishes, and then they cuddled, both of them by some silent, mutual agreement pretending the day hadn't happened, except for their night together.  
  
Jack spoke about their love and their future together, and suggested they think about their first vacation together ... that is, their first official vacation as a couple. They'd been on many trips together, even after becoming lovers, but this would be a romantic adventure, full length, for the first time.  
  
The time passed way too quickly, and then they made love and fell asleep snuggled together in their bed.  
  
About 3:30 a.m. Daniel awoke, and slowly disentangled himself from Jack. Jack felt the motions.  
  
"Danny?"  
  
"Go to sleep, Babe. Just getting a drink. I'll be right back."  
  
"Hurry," Jack said, already back to sleep before Daniel could respond.  
  
Daniel walked down stairs and took a few sips of orange juice, mostly so he could say he hadn't lied, but then he walked to the study. He saw the journal still atop the National Geographic, just as he had left it. He sighed, not knowing if Jack had read it or not. He assumed he hadn't though, because everything was in place, and Jack hadn't said anything about the articles in the magazine like he normally would have after his ritual.  
  
Daniel closed the journal and took it with him back to the bedroom, placing it in its place in the nightstand drawer. Sadly, he got back into bed, figuring he just wasn't meant to be anywhere near happy in his life. No matter how hard he tried, there was always some cloud hanging over him.  
  
Daniel had rolled over on his left side, his back from his lover, but within a few minutes, Jack had scooped him next to him, a protective arm around Daniel's waist.  
  
Daniel whispered, "Gawd, I love you" as he placed his hand over Jack's and tried to sleep in vain.  
  
====  
  
"Hey Carter, how goes the ... whatever it is you're doing?"  
  
Jack rubbed his hands together as he walked in Sam's office, closing the door behind him. He was smiling, but a bit nervous. Within seconds, his hands were in his pant pockets.  
  
Sam was surprised by Jack's entrance, and stuttered at first, "I'm ... ah, well, it's coming along nicely, Sir."  
  
"Good. Good. Good," Jack said looking around at all the doo-dads that adorned his 2IC's office lab.  
  
"Your office isn't near as fun as Daniel's," Jack said.  
  
"No, Sir, I'm sure it's not," Sam laughed, reading a bit more into Jack's comment than he had intended which flustered him for a moment.  
  
"Carter, you're a good friend. Daniel and I ... we ... well, we really appreciate this ... little game we've been playing."  
  
"Well, it's like I said, Sir, we're ..."  
  
"Drop the Sir, Carter."  
  
"Sir?"  
  
Jack glared.  
  
"Yes, Sssss..., um, Colonel."  
  
Jack ran his right hand through his hair as he paced Sam's office.  
  
"Is there something wrong, Sss...C...Jack?"  
  
"We've done a good job with the game."  
  
Sam nodded, "I've heard the rumors. They're definitely buying it."  
  
"We've done too good of a job," Jack was solemn, almost grim, staring his 2IC in the face with a sincerity that disarmed her completely.  
  
"Daniel?"  
  
Jack nodded, "He knows there's nothing, but at the same time, we're ... flaunting us, I mean you and me, the make believe, oh for crying out loud, Carter, you know what I mean."  
  
"Yes, Sir. We ... have to stop then."  
  
"No, we can't. Look, we need you. That is, as long as you are willing to help, there's a need, but we've gone too far. Actually, I've gone too far, and I'm going to fix it. We just need to keep it low profile. We don't really need to flirt, Carter, not like we've been. No more stories, no more ..."  
  
"Stories?"  
  
Jack flinched, "Yeah, well, I ... like I said, I've gone too far. Don't worry, nothing that would ... you know, damage your virtue or anything, but certainly, I colored it a lot."  
  
Sam blushed and coughed, looking around her office, trying not to face her CO.  
  
"Anyway, just ... let's keep it on the low burner, let those ... stories or whatever become a memory. You okay with that?"  
  
"I'm only doing this for ..."  
  
"Daniel, I know. I'm going to fix it, Carter. You can count on that."  
  
"Should I say something to him?"  
  
"No, he'll feel bad. You know how he is ... takes the blame for everything. Let's let the dust settle."  
  
"Yes, Sir."  
  
"Enjoy your doo-dads, Carter," Jack said as he exited the office.  
  
====  
  
The next day, Daniel arrived home at Jack's house ahead of his partner, who had been training new recruits all day. Daniel put on the coffee and decided to write in his journal for a while since the house was quiet.  
  
Daniel took his coffee and went upstairs, and placed a couple of pillows behind his back as he prepared to write in the journal which he had retrieved from the nightstand.  
  
Opening it, Daniel was surprised to see a piece of paper fall out. He unfolded the paper, and read it:  
  
"How do you tell someone you love with all your heart that you're sorry?  
  
How do you tell someone who is your heart that you made a mistake?  
  
How do you tell someone, the only someone who matters, that you love him with every fiber of your heart and soul?  
  
How do you explain that sometimes it's easy to get carried away?  
  
How do you explain that sometimes vanity reigns even when it means nothing?  
  
How do you explain that sometimes you forget that the only really important thing is that someone special?  
  
I don't know how ... except to say I'm sorry.  
  
I don't know how ... except to ask for your forgiveness.  
  
I don't know how ... except to let our eternity together speak for me.  
  
I don't know how ... except to say that I'm human ... and dense.  
  
I don't know how ... except to say that I let myself get caught up in words that matter not.  
  
I don't know how ... except to say I love you, only you, forever you.  
  
My heart and my soul are yours.  
  
My heart beats for you.  
  
My soul thrives for you.  
  
My body hungers for you.  
  
My blood flows only for you.  
  
You are my life, my joy, my reason for being.  
  
Thank you for trusting me with your words.  
  
Thank you for trusting me with your soul.  
  
Most of all, thank you for trusting me with your heart.  
  
Thank you, My Love, for finding a way to tell me I was hurting you.  
  
It helped me to find a way to tell you how sorry I am. The problem is fixed. No more touchdowns, My Love. And we already have more field goals than we need for quite a while. I understand now. I promise I do!  
  
I love you. Forgive me?"  
  
Daniel closed the journal and rested his head back against the pillows and the headboard. He smiled, suddenly feeling like a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Everything would be fine now. He was sure of it.  
  
====  
  
Jack arrived home late, Daniel greeting him with an enthusiastic smile, hungry kiss, and warm embrace.  
  
"I don't think I could ever take this for granted. You feel so good, Danny," Jack said as the two enjoyed their hold on each other.  
  
"You, too. I fixed dinner. Did you eat?"  
  
"No, I couldn't wait to get home to you. What gourmet meal did you make for us tonight?"  
  
"Pizza," Daniel laughed.  
  
"Dominos?"  
  
Daniel nodded, and the two laughed as they headed for the kitchen to warm the pizza that had been delivered by the pizza place an hour earlier. They spent their dinner discussing the trainees, the next mission, and their weekend plans.  
  
Afterwards, they watched a documentary on Egyptian myths.  
  
"Well, that was good for a laugh," Daniel said as he turned off the television.  
  
"Sometimes, I wish we could do a letter to the editor ... or something."  
  
"Yeah, or something. Let's go to bed," Daniel spoke as he turned for the stairs, but Jack grabbed his arm, turning Daniel back to face him.  
  
"Someday, everyone will know that your theory was right."  
  
"I doubt it, but I'm learning to live with it. After all, I have you to remind me that what others think isn't really what's important, but what we know ... that's what matters. Isn't it?"  
  
Jack got the double message, smiled, and spoke softly, "Bed."  
  
The two walked upstairs and then Daniel headed for the bathroom. As Jack changed his clothes, he saw Daniel's journal, open, a pen marking a spot. He looked to the bathroom and smiled, and then he sat on the edge of the bed and read the notation.  
  
//From the Personal Journal of Daniel Jackson//  
  
Forgiveness is highly overrated. What matters is love and the future. I love you. If you need the words, then yes, I forgive you, but what I hope you need more is just ... me and our love, and I hope someday, that it's enough ... for both of us. You are what matters most to me. I love you.  
  
//End of Daniel's Personal Journal//  
  
As Jack looked up, he saw his lover. Jack took the journal and put it in the nightstand as Daniel watched, and then he took his lover into his arms.  
  
"Enough of the covert writing in journals and notes. I made a mistake, a really, dumb, silly mistake. I got carried away with all the rah-rahs of the guys. And I have to admit it felt good to hear them think I was, geez it sounds horrible, but getting some from my 2IC. The problem is, I don't want any of what Carter has to offer except for her friendship and military skills.  
  
"I'm sorry, Love, that I didn't get it sooner, that you had to stand by and watch me act like a silly teenager, that I wouldn't hear even when you tried to tell me, because the tragedy is ... it meant nothing. I love you, Daniel Jackson. Just you, and I plan to make you happy for the rest of my life, as long as you'll let me."  
  
Jack took the opportunity to kiss his lover with a deep kiss.  
  
"And ... there's one more thing I need to tell you."  
  
"What?"  
  
"A while back, Hammond ordered me not to say anything, and ... you know me, Danny, I went into protector mode ..."  
  
Daniel shook his head, not knowing what Jack was talking about.  
  
"Um ... have you heard about Blair Winters?"  
  
"Yes, he was supposed to join my staff, but he was a car accident."  
  
"No, Danny. He was doing special projects awaiting clearance, and he was attacked by some self-righteous Marines who thought his kind didn't belong anywhere near the Mountain."  
  
"His kind?"  
  
"He's a homosexual, openly. And he's not the only one who'd been threatened over the past couple of months."  
  
"I didn't know. I hadn't heard anything about that at all."  
  
"Hammond and the other big wigs sealed it pretty tight. You can't tell anyone, Danny, not until it hits release ... if it does."  
  
"Jack ... you aren't trying to tell me all those arguments were just an act?"  
  
"No. No, Love, I'm not. I was a first class jerk, but ... I did consider stopping the game a couple of times, but ... once I heard about Winters, I thought I had to protect you. In fact, even after Hammond told me they'd arrested the men involved, I decided I had to keep you safe. I didn't understand the hurt you felt, or how much I had gotten into it ... but ... I was going to stop, Danny. I don't know if that counts for anything ... but ..."  
  
"It counts," Daniel answered softly. His hand massaged Jack's chest as he leaned in for another kiss, "I know you love me, and that Sam is our friend. I ... I ..."  
  
"Love me?"  
  
Daniel nodded, "Everything's fine now. I can feel it, Jack. We're okay."  
  
Daniel leaned his head against Jack's left shoulder, his forehead snuggled into Jack's face. He loved that. Jack made him feel safe, protected, loved. His arms were long and strong, and wrapped around Daniel like a clinging vine, a very much wanted clinging vine.  
  
"Just so you know, I talked to Carter, and she's fine. I apologized because my idiot behavior affected her, too. So, we're all good to go, right?"  
  
"Right."  
  
"Want to go to bed?"  
  
"I like it right here," Daniel sighed, completely content for the first time in weeks.  
  
"I love you, Danny. Never doubt that."  
  
"I never did, and ... I love you, too."  
  
And then Daniel decided there was one thing he'd give up Jack's strong hold for, but only one.  
  
"Jack?"  
  
"Hmmm?"  
  
"Make love to me."  
  
Yes, some things were definitely worth moving for, and lovemaking with Jack was one of them. As the two merged their bodies in an explosive symphony, Jack's and Daniel's nation of two grew stronger, another layer having been added to their shield of love!  
  
~~Finis - Finished - Done - The End - But is it ever Really?~~ 


End file.
